goodbye my old friend...till we meet again :(

Goodbye is the hardest word im going to say since i will be leaving the best thing in my life...i will be leaving the one thing that I never thought I could live without...today,im going to say goodbye to the bestest,best friend I ever had...We have been together through thickness and thin...we have been together through my ups and my downs...we have been together when Im sad,when Im happy...we are together when i cry my heart out or when i laugh so hard...it was my only companion whenever im alone,whenever im with my friends partying or eating out....now,,,,i think i will never get to be with it for a very long time....

...When I started my journey to a new healthier me I knew that I had the eventual goal of cutting all pop out of my life ...I was horribly addicted to the caffeine in my dear old friend: COCA-COLA...I have struggled off and on with this addiction over 28 years…but for some reason I have never been able to give it up for….me.

...this morning,i got the results from our annual physical exam..and as expected,i have URINARY TRACT INFECTION...but worse, i have pyuria (refers to urine which contains pus. Defined as the presence of 4 or more neutrophils per high power field of unspun, voided mid-stream urine),from that day on,I said to myself...as much as i can avoid it, i will never have the sweet taste of coke again....

...I am not saying that I will not have a single drop of coke in the coming days or weeks (well hell im only human,sometimes i cant help it out) but I feel the end is nearer than I originally thought....

goodbye my sweet heaven...goodbye my best friend...goodbye my happiness...goodbye my coca-cola....

...till we meet again one day....and i promise,that will be indeed, the sweetest day of my life......

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

"Behind every man...

...is a WOMAN ^_^

PISAY

Pisay is a heartwarming tale of a group of high school students, coming from different backgrounds, but all brilliant, all studying at the Philippine Science High School. What I liked most about the movie was its effective nostalgia. It may be that the movie was set in the 80's (when I was but a wee little baby), but it's theme's captured the essence of being in Pisay. But it's greatest asset may also well be it's worst flaw: It may tend to alienate non-Pisay people. I felt the audience deserved a tad bit more development of the characters. It becomes difficult to sympathize with characters you hardly know.

I loved that the kids acted very naturally, although there were some awkward moments, some dead air, it was forgivable. Dr. Casas was very effective. The other adult actors, however, (I'm not sure if this was intentional) spoke in a "theater" voice, like a sing-song, Batibot style. I found it unnatural, even highlighted by the fact that the child actors were very natural with theirs ("Egis erp!")

The storyline was flawless. I found it strummed a different chord at every chapter. The freshman year told of a budding relationship ripped apart by a teacher, the sophomore year told of a small town boy kicked-out of Pisay for failing Geometry (and moving on to become #1 in the school he moved to!), the third year featured a girl who had move to The Netherlands because she and her parents were wanted by the government, and finally, the senior year which featured a morally ambiguous research project, a theater loving science school senior, and a terminally ill genius.

I was flooded with memories while I was watching the movie. I was especially moved by the first scene where they found out he got in Pisay.

I can definately relate to the movie not because i graduated at Phil science highschool but simply because of the highschool life those little kid have experienced....i can definately say that highschool life is the best phase of my life,,,i think other would agree with me as well :)

letter from the most prestigious critic's group in the world:

"Pisay is a beautiful film, simple and sophisticated, direct and campy, one that gets better and better as it goes along. From the evidence gathered, the praise is valid for Filipino cinema as a whole, which is undergoing something of a renaissance.”

by Emmanuel Burdeau Cahiers Du Cinema

can't figure

"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON." That is what i used to tell myself every time somethings not good is happening to me, pretty nice thing to say to your self, huh?

Well everything has reason that is for sure, 'coz why are we going to let things happen anyway.

I am 28 years old, graduated from college, have a job and pretty much alone. I used to have friends... like friends friends, the people you have plans for like forever: no one leaves each other, no one gets left behind, nothing can make you apart, more like a sister and a colleague as well, something like that, but "used to", well i know you get it. Promises are meant to be broken thats what i learned, there are things that will definitely make you apart, and theres no such thing as forever or eternity for that matter. People change and i can do nothing about that, even I changed. One mistake can make a great impact on friendship, especially when friends are too weak to handle everything, i will admit I am WEAK, weak as a twig that can easily broken. We didn't survived the test, we were defeated, that is what i got to face, that is what i need to accept. I still have friends, yeah! so don't think that I'm that bad to have no one left except my freakin' self. I do have friends and i love them, i sure do and i know they love me too. I never really tried to live on my own not until now that I'm working... far from my family, far from my friends. That is why i feel so alone... The problem with me is that I'm too clingy, too dependent... Well that is the consequence that i have to live, 'coz people got to live their own lives too, the world does not revolve around one person, the world does not revolve around me. And whether i like or not i have to live on my own. I have to learn to be with my own, to eat alone, to decide for myself. And all this, because everything happens for a reason.

I am 28 and i don't know what is going on with my life. Have a job, yeah i do have a job but I'm hating it every single day. And now i don't know what to do. I'm not moving forward, i feel that I'm stuck, stuck for the rest of my life, if i don't do anything about it. Since i started this job i noticed that everything fall out of place, everyone changed, and it is not pretty anymore. Now I'm torn on to whether to STAY and get paid but not happy at all or GO and be unemployed but free from all the things that I'm running away from and makes me sad.

I am 28 and I've got zillions of questions inside my head, and any time soon i feel that it will explode. A lot of things had happened, why those things happened? why me? why not somebody else? am I a bad person? am I a bad friend? too weak? did i kill someone? Is too much sleeping a sin? a lot of questions that no one can answer, not even me.

I am 28 but i feel that I'm living like I am a hundred years. Is this the part where i need to tell myself "Everything happens for a reason"?

yes it was......aaaaawwwww!!!

IT'S REALLY HARD TO SHOW EVERYBODY HOW YOU FEEL, SCARED OF LETTING THEM KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU..

SOMETIMES LYING WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT REMEDY TO OVERSHADOW THE TEARS FROM YOUR EYES..

YOU HIDE THE PAIN BY SMILING, YOU HIDE THE TEARS BY LAUGHING..

YOU HIDE THE SADNESS BY LYING..SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO TRADE YOUR LIFE JUST TO EXPERIENCE A MINUTE OF HAPPINESS THAT WILL REALLY CHANGE EVERYTHING..

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT IRONIC, THE MORE YOU SEEK FOR HAPPINESS, THE MORE YOU LOOSE IT..

leap of faith

this was written by my highschool crush reyner malonzo...it was touching..i know what he is going through right now and im deeply sorry for him...for kuya reyner, life must go on..thank you for being the one who introduce me to the power of writing..remember my favorite verse: PHILIPPIANS 4:13 "i can do everything through HIM who strengthens me"..everything is going to be ok...

leap of faith by reyner malonzo

My company's Human Resources Department asked me if could give a testimonial for Future Search seminar entitled "Leap fo Faith". This is what I have written and shared on that day, April 16, 2010.

Have you ever experienced losing a pet when you were young? Did you prepare some sort of funeral for her? Did you cry so hard that day that you went to bed weeping all night?
Have you ever flown a kite? You flew it so high that it soared to the sky to touch the heavens, however the sky became dark and the winds grew stronger that it snapped the string, letting your kite fly into the darkness.
Have you ever work so hard for your family? Did you ever sacrifice your personal happiness like having a family of your own just to be able to support a brother or sister to go to college?
Have you ever lost a friend? A friend so dear that you would eat at the same plate, do each other’s homework, perhaps attend the same school. You practically do everything together. You would never forget to celebrate each other’s birthday and you would even go to extremes like vouching for him if he gets caught by the teacher cutting classes to watch the latest movie downtown.
Have you ever ask God why he allows bad things to happen in one’s like? Things that you’re so frightened that you never cease praying at night that they do not occur because you could never bear the thought of it happening.
Losing something or somebody makes you feel sad, depress and hurt. You get more affected if this something or somebody means the world to you. The kind of affection that you’re willing to give a part of you just to have them back. When you lose them, you even call on God asking “why?”.
I lost a very dear person last Christmas; he took his life for a girl to prove how much he loves her. Personally, I could never imagine him doing this. For a brief moment, please, just ponder on this. He finished bachelor of Nursing, passed the board exam on his first try and seemingly he has a very good career ahead of him. He is somewhat tall, handsome, intelligent, and full of humor. He could have any girl that he likes.
So, why the hell would this person throw everything including his life just for the approval of one girl? Ain’t it enough to have a degree, good physical attributes and to top it, the love of his parents, his siblings and also the respect and love of his friends, hmmm? The person I am talking about is no other than younger brother who died on Christmas morning, the very day where most of the people would be at their homes celebrating Christmas while we were at the funeral, mourning this untimely passing of my brother.
I was devastated, I could not imagine, I could not accept. I go to Church, serve in a choir, and try to treat everybody well and good. So answer me this, is this fair? Do we deserve this?
I fondly recall the moments that I had with my brother. When leisure comes in my schedule, I would invite him to go out and drink a bottle or two. You know, we both have this passion or singing and we would play like critics on each other. We both are fun of watching cartoons and we often talk about them, he would tell me the new ones and I would share stories of the old ones. However, this is not always the case.
There are times that I need to pretend to be the know it all older brother. Do this and do that. Don’t do this and don’t do that. This is right and that is wrong. You might think that I do this to entertain myself but these things that I do is just to show him the decorum of things. I want to inculcate values and lessons on him, lessons that I painstakingly experienced when I was growing up. Life was not easy.
But you know what, I found out that my brother has his own ways on doing things. I cannot deter him from doing what he thinks and feel is right. He is “his own man”. Oftentimes, there is a “clash” between us. However, I would still be able to overpower and force my ways on him but inside me, I know my intentions are good. One time, I found my brother, crying at a corner, I think it’s because he did not get what he wanted over me. I know I was right and instead of offering an ear, I withdrew myself and stood firm on my decision.
Now that he is gone, it was those moments that I regretted doing, I wish I could have treated him differently. There is now a reversal of roles, I am now the one you’ll find at a corner crying whenever his memory pass me by. I wish we could have spent more time together as friends instead of brothers. One truth I learned from this is that when a love one leaves this life, you can no longer show how much love you have for that person.
I feel sorry for him, the life that he might have lived, the family that he might have had and countless possibilities that could have happen if he was still alive.
I feel sorry for myself, the memories, and the conversations that we might have had. The stories and adventures that we could have shared together as we both grew older.
He ended his life and took away from me the chance of redeeming myself for the shortcomings I have on him.
Everything back then was dark and gloomy. I try to shy away from people asking about the incident I just don’t wanna talk. I just wanna freeze time and forget what has happen but as my tears run dry and my mind opens up, I started to slowly accept the truth about the faith of my brother. I came to realize that there is nothing I can do that will bring him back and that everything that happened has a reason, a better purpose, and a brighter meaning.
I cannot reverse time nor change it. Life continues, we cannot stop or pause it, it keeps on going with or without us.
You might be puzzled why I can do this, this answer is easy, I started to offer the lost of my brother to God. I know that if I send this up to Him. He will give me the grace to accept it all. He will fill the emptiness in my heart, he will satisfy my thirst for answers, he will give me, my brother, and my family, the peace that we eagerly long for. I have entrusted all of these to God’s divine mercy, unconditional love and everlasting mercy and compassion.
“Faith is the way of holding onto what we hope for, being certain of what we cannot see”. “This is the confidence we have in approaching God. That if we ask anything according to His will. He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, what ever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of Him.” Heb 11:1 and John :14-15

the course of choice: the twilight zone

If you believed in one purpose, the worst feeling would be suddenly stepping out of it.

It's like those archaic twilight zone movies where the characters are in some other time,.

or Being John Malkovich,

or if you just came to a different time like 13 going on 30

or if you just became a different gender like She's the Man and Hot Chick. (or a different race, that would be "Hot CHinK")(ooppss korniks)hehehe

So many times it has been writen about, the fascination of displacement.

I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I checked my horoscope. (egad)
And it said I was suposed to be having fun with friends, but I totally flaked on them just to finish this,which as it turns out, I can't even do now.

So there was this opportunity. And there was the stars to show me. But I missed it.

Now I am living in my own choice of a world... and (egad).


Like most soaps, we will have to wait till the next episode, or next season, to see if this decision will have been the "right" one., and how have I changed my life with this one choice? (see sliding doors.. etc.)

so near....yet so far......

we wer so close to each other

about 3-5 inches far from each other

but still we didnt do anything...

we just sat there and stare at the floor...

who has the problem?

is it me?

or him?

or both of us...

will this end?

i hope so...

so i will be happy...

HAPPY ENDINGS....

"HAPPY ENDINGS don't happen instantly, relax.. and you'll begin to realize how everything seems to come your way, everyone do deserves LOVE and HAPPINESS, it just comes at different times for different people, but don't just sit wishing and waiting on the world to give you something wonderful, Live your LIFE to the fullest and it will become what you want it to be. Never lose HOPE nor FAITH, because someday you'll realize that all your struggles mean something.."

happily...*ever after* ... the real fairy tale

TODAY..I must say that things may be coming my way.

Today I can talk. I can smile with my heart at it. I just love myself and I care for it.

With a prayer that all of my hurt shall go and so it went and I'm happy. True love shall help me heal so that it will be worth the wait.

I prayed to GOD to give me what I deserve more than what I desire and now I don't know if this is it but I feel like being aware more than pretending. Are things going my way? I'm constantly praying that this time it will be consistent and endless. This time I just want to be worthy for someone who can be there for me. Who can stand by me. Today, I am just aware that there really are people who just wish you happiness and smile with you.

Today I must say that I am endlessly receiving the things that I have wished for. I thank all the people who gave me constant tapping on the back. Who gave me the warmth of their hugs. Thank you. Now, I feel like being into it so emotionally attached to the one who can promise me eternity exist and that love grows, commitment does conquer all.

When I was a child.. up to now. I have dealt with imaginations of fairy tale come true and only to find out .. to wake up one day.. and realize that it can be true?!

I prayed not for a guy who can be loyal to me but instead committed. I prayed not for a guy who can love me back but for a guy who can love me more and be consistent. I prayed for a guy who can secure my future but He gave me a guy who plans his future for me and that future wishes me to be the one.

Now, it's another version of patiently waiting…I shall wait if I want things not to end. If I want things as happily ever after…decision comes as it shall be firm and consistent for me to have the desires of my heart.

It shall be soon.. a happily ever after...

sort of year ender (sorry it came late) :p

everybody have had written a year ender by now.. but not me.. it got me thinking really hard on my highlights of the year.. like ano nga ba? haha! wait.. hmm..

**last year my father was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer..
January 8 was the day when we came to cardinal santos general hospital and my father had his endoscopy for the second time..when the doctor came out of the endoscopy room she said we need to immediately confine my father for surgery..it was really hard for the whole family that time..but for all the prayers and help of friends and the whole family,after all the radio therapy and chemo therapy... my father survive...he had his CT scan last october and found out that there are no longer cancer cells in his body...the best thing that ever happened in my life for the whole year..

**was transferred from directTV to at&t
It was April first...the day i cant forget...i dont know if im going to cry or will be happy...tl ian told us we will be transferring from one account to another..he will be training for at&t warranty and we will be at at&t prepaid...that day was full of loneliness and frustrations...but then again after the pst and transition...finally we are still surviving...same team..same friends...only closer to each other...its really amazing how you can work and be happy with your co-workers at the same time....hope this 2010 will be a verry happy year for us as well....road may be rocky...but were still striving to survive..

**he broke up with me...
march of this year...heartaches is really the most painful thing in a womans life...i know i have written a lot about heartaches and broken hearted feelings and stuff...well its just that i really felt so miserable and so frustrated when you thought you have given everything you have to give and have done everything you have to do but you still end up being the looser in the end...well that's life...atleast now i know im stronger and wiser..hehehe were still friends though..good friends..we still play important part in each others lives..and when the right time and the right moment will come, who knows...dehvah?!

**met my highschool friends again after a very long time
novermber this year...i met up with my highschool bestfriends again....that time was full of happiness and enjoyment...after a very long time i saw them again...we had lots of things that we had talked about...although were not complete atleast we had fun..

**i bought an iphone!!
the highlight of my year 2009!!!after all the hard works,frustrations,heartaches,happiness and all emotions i can think of......its all worth it when im holding my new baby through my hands...i kinda still studying how it works until this very moment,but i think i will learn..in time..after all,,,patience is a virtue...hehehehe

**i had my hair rebonded and cut it like korean style wahihihi

finally i decided to have my hair rebonded..it was expensive right but im happy with the outcome..hehehe then after a week i decided to get a new look...so i went to a very expensive salon (pinagmayabang talaga) and got my hair cut like one of those korean hairs...well atfirst i thought im not happy with it but nung binati na ng lahat na napakaganda ng gupit ko..hehehe i felt proud and happy...atleast sulit ang mahal na binayad ko wahihihi

**bumming around

most of my year were spent watching back trax stuff.. series like: Samantha Who?,Dawson's creek,Charmed,Ali Mcbeal,Pushing Daisies (it got cancelled =X), How I Met Your Mother, Stargate Altantis (yeess! up on my sci fi geeky side), Life, Bones, Kyle XY and CSI

and albums!!! whee! nacomplete ko na ang pagdownload ng goo goo dolls, incubus and lifehouse ko haha.. finally.. =D im much more interested with acoustic versions or live than the original tracks heehee i don't have a song of the year this time but i'm pretty fixed to taylor swift and lady gaga songs...

and books!!! i was pretty glued with ofcoarse twilight mania with all the series...sydney sheldon books...and a friend named lester introduce me to bob ong humor...i cry, laugh, get angry, happy and learned a lot with those novels....old school is still the best..hehehe


waa almost 1 hr ko kinompose haha.. madami dami din pala hehe.. till the next year ender

happy holidays!!!

Oh really??

Is it December already?! (advance ako magisip)

GOSH..

that is not a sarcastic comment..

i repeat.. that is not a sarcastic comment

Can't feel the christmas season. Or is it just me? I'm not excited, really.

First because my Vacation Leave was cancelled(even if i filed it as early as september and up until now i still dont know whats the status of it since we just had an fgd with om last tuesday), second is i think ill be spending Christmas at the office for the first time in 27years history of my life because our schedule was change to 7pm instead of 4am(kamalas malasan sa lahat ng malas because our team was the lowest for bucket B skeds) huhuhu..third,all this rumors that 13th month pay is going to be late this time(san ako kukuha ng pangshoshoping ko?ayaw ko makipagsiksikan sa napakaraming nag rurush ng christmas shopping)...lastly, i think im going to have a white Christmas ( malamig ang pasko huhuhu)...hayzzzzz

Anyways-- back to the topic.. Even Christmas Trees doesnt bring out the Christmas spirit in me. Weird.. while every year the only holliday that i look upto was Christmas and New Year.. I had the reason to splurge on Peppermint coffee (but now im beginning to hate coffee's, i settle for coke instead hahaha) and to shop for gifts and Christmas outfit and stuff.. *sigh*

What's happening?

When did i become so...

DULL?!

i love this song by the kapamilyas...loyalista ako sa abs cbn hehehe

Fr.tel: "Ayoko ng tumawid sa WALANG TAWIRAN!"

Nung bago ako sa MAYNILA, nagtataka ako bakit napakadaming PED XING sa Kalsada.. akala ko nun para itong Espana Ave or Quezon Ave na napakahabang Avenue.

"Sh*t..ang promdi ko!!" yan lang yung nasabi ko nung narealize ko na pedestrian crossing pala ang meaning ng PED XING.. bakit pa kasi kelangan ishort cut.. hmmmm...

----

Simula ng naging MMDA chairman si Bayani Fernando at nabalutan ng mga hot pink pintura ang buong Kamaynilaan.. napakadaming signboard na WALANG TAWIRAN NAKAMAMATAY..

pero..madami pa ding Tumatawid? bakit?

TANGA BA?

----

Ako? katulad ni tel.. tumawid din sa WALANG TAWIRAN..

mahirap.

nakakatakot.

pero challenging.

at ang sarap ng pakiramdam pag nakatawid.

pero isang mali.. patay.

at wala kang pwedeng sisihin..dahil mey signboard!

hindi ka ba marunong magbasa?

----

Ngaun? ala na ko balak tumawid sa WALANG TAWIRAN..

sa mey pedestrian line na.. para may BENTE na pangkape kapag nasagasaan.

----

Masaya na ako dapat ngayon. Ang haba nga ng hair ko e.. natatapakan na.. pero takot na akong tumawid talaga. Hindi ko alam bakit.

sabaw

humahanga ako sa taong magaling magsalita,

hanga rin ako sa taong magaling magsulat.

pero kanino talaga ako mas humahanga?


ewan ko pa, basta naiinspire ako sa taong nakakpaginspire ng ibang tao.o diba ang daming inspire. basta ganun.sa ngayon gusto kong magbasa ng libro ni bob ong para mainspire din ako hehe. puro sabaw nalang yata kasi laman ng utak ko ngayon, wala na rin akong social life. pati yung kaibigan kong tawid lang ang pagitan ng office namin ay di ko na nakikita. hay buhay..


sana may bago ng libro si bob ong!!!


naisip ko lang siguro napepressure si bob ong magsulat ng magandang libro kasi madami na siyang taga hanga hehe wala lang.

Kung ako ay isang walang kwentang manunulat, english ang isusulat ko, para kahit anu anu ang sabihin ko hindi na nila mahahalata.. Kaya nga ako nagsulat sa tagalog para maintindihan ng mambabasa ang lahat ng sinasabi ko.---bob ong

si pogi at ang mga pangarap

Pangarap ko talagang maging manunulat, pero hindi ng mga makabuluhang nobela o anuman. Gusto ko lang sumulat ng simpleng libro, story book na pambata ganun. Simple pero may dating, ganun ang gusto ko. Pangarap ko rin na gumawa ng pelikula, oha! Ok lang naman mangarap diba. Mangangarap ka na nga lang, taasan mo na. Matagal tagal ko na ring nakalimutan ang pangarap na to, simula ng grumaduate ako sa kolehiyo. Naalala ko siya paminsan minsan pero iba pa rin yung may kasama kang nangangarap.


Balik sa kolehiyo:
May naging kakilala ako na itago nalang natin sa pangalang "pogi" dahil yun ang gusto niyang tawag sa kanya, Pano ko nakilala si pogi? Matalik na kaibigan siya ng kaklase ko nung first year, one year ahead siya sa akin. Ayun nagpakilalanlan, nagkasundo naman kami, lumipas ang mga araw at naging kaclose ko siya ang galing diba at dun na nagsimula ang pangarap namin...


Mahilig kaming magusap ng kahit ano, kahit makabuluhan o hindi. Natatawa kami sa mga simpleng bagay. Madalas kaming magdudugtungan ng mga kwento, minsan kami lang minsan kasama ang ibang kaibigan. Madalas din kaming sumulat ng kanta na tungkol sa mga biglaang pangyayari sa harap namin, tapos yung tono basta lang. Naguusap din kami ng mga pangarap namin sa telepono. Gusto naming mabasa ni Neil Gaiman at Paolo Coelho ang mga gagawin naming libro, tatalunin namin ang Little Prince at si Edgar Allan Poe. Ganyan lang kasimple ang mga pangarap namin. Pero simula nung nagstop siya magaral, di na kami nakakapagbonding.


Ngayon may trabaho na siya at bigtime na, ako may trabaho din pero di ako bigtime. Ngayong araw na to, tinawagan niya ako, after ilang taon na di paguusap. Naaliw ako at buhay pa siya, ganun padin siya, magulo, masaya. Marami siyang masasayang kwento. Nagusap ulit kami tungkol sa pagsusulat ng kwento, kinumbinsi niya akong magsulat ulit kami. Pero pano? hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko nabuhay na nanaman ang pangarap ko.


Salamat sayo pogi, sa pagiinspire sa akin, balang araw sisikat din tayo, matatapos din natin lahat ng kwentong sinimulan natin.

FALSE POSITIVE

I was hoping not to write the saddest line this moment..But if I do..please bare with me..

Kagabi pa ngpplayback sa utak ko ang kantang to..

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it?

Madaming unanswered questions na ewan ko ba kung bakit paulet ulet na uniikot sa utak ko..Bakit ako ngsstay? bakit ako andito?

Humahanap sana ako ng magandang timing nung super happy pa ko para makapag-sulat ng inspiring blog but then again kelangan ko pa palang masaktan ulet para lang tumayo at hawakan ang keyboard na to. Actually, mahirap tumayo.. ayaw ko talagang kumilos pero ayoko ng pakiramdam ng quicksand.. hindi ko alam kung strong ba talaga ako o ngppretend lang ako katulad ng lage ko ginagawa.. Ok kahit hindi talaga!

Madaming beses na ko napunta sa scenario na nahihirapan ako at ang lagi kong ginagawa ay mag-escape at tumihimik nalang..pero bakit hindi ko magawa ngaun.. "Hands down ako sayu" can't make me feel better. Ewan, walang salita na makakapagpa-ok sa akin ngaun.

Mixed field agglutination: Galit na naiinis na hindi ko talaga maintindihan..sana galit nalang talaga ko para alam ko panu ihahandle tong nararamdaman ko.

Ayoko ng mag-isip kung anung distributing factor bakit ko na-miss ang pag-interpret na to.. False Positive!

just G and more!!!!

One cloudy afternoon on my favorite shirt and comfortable flipflops. Money on my pocket? waaa.. 2,000. Buddy on my side? tel kish, my shopping partner. Ready..get set go...

The search was like an adventure. kamiseta shirt, in all colors, particularly rainbow colors, R-O-Y-G-B-I-V. 500php vintage bayo shirt...hmmm..not on our budget. manels doll shoes..check! Gurly stuff, kikay bling bling...."ia..help us"! hmmmmmm...

after the shopping...my favorite stop... new york fries with crazy crepes. sweet and cold versus hot and salty....anything goes! Dont ever forget Caramel Frapp at starbucks..hehehe

End of our just G escapade... just girlbonding... until next shopping of the year tel... lets do it..monthly!

steady state theory

ganda ko dito syet!!! hahahaha

Blank...

Steady...

Ang problema ko ngaun ay wala akong problema. Wala akong maisip na dapat problemahin at talagang problema ito. Bigyan niyo nga ako ng dapat kong problemahin.

Hindi ko maintindihan bakit napaka-transient na ng kalungkutan sa buhay ko. Early this morning, nakita ko ang 'highschool' barkada ko pala ay ng-outing last time, di ko yun alam, kumpleto sila and all. Hmmmm, sad for 20 seconds tapos wala na ulit ako maramdaman. Nabubuhay nalang ako sa masasayang thoughts at nawiwirduhan ako dahil bakit di na ko nalulungkot...hahaha!

hahahahahahahaha!

unveiling ME!

It's about time to unlock my handcuff.

"prison-break"..

For sooo many years..wala na ako ginawa kung hindi magpaka-proper, trying to stand out, reaching everybody's expectations, at gawin ang tama. I've done enough to prove myself. Pagod na din ako na pilitin ang lahat ng tao to like me, to love me and to care for me. It's about time to unveil what's been hidden for so long.

good student..

Achiever..

Good girl..

Lahat yan pinag-hirapan ko.. though di ko naman nireregret ang mga nangyari.. I just want to enjoy now..

Party hard, Laugh like wala ng bukas, wear anything, shop til i drop, work like a professional, capture memories, lahat...

Eto talaga ako.. Rassel.. same me but happier and prettier..

*i love u boy... but i just love myself more... im sorry*

Rerebond ko ang buhok ko dahil gusto ko... uuwi ako ng umaga dahil dun ako masaya.. love me or hate me..problema niyo na yun..

Hindi na ko magpapaapekto sa chismis or sa mga sinasabi ng madlang people sa pagkatao ko... i know myself more than u do..

QUOTED QUOTE: "if u love me.. i'll stay in your heart.. if u hate me..i'll stay in ur mind"...sino ngaun ang mey problema??

So far..so good..contented..satisfied but still dreaming of things.. and making that happen.

this is my official LIGHTBULB MOMENT... I've never felt as cool as now.. chill.. peace and quiet..

I'm inlove with my work, with my friends, with my family and with everyone who loves me...

In few years..masmagiging mature ako..alam ko un..then eventually..when i look back.. makikita ko to..ang process ng aking awakening..

It's sooo goooood to be ME!

sana..NOON pa!

but then again...SWAK lang naman.. just on time..

selfish moments ko ngaun..pagbigyan niyo na.. chinecherish ko lang ang self-worth ko!

i-super-duper-mega-over-love-ME!peace!

ME by Paula Cole

my favorite song........

i cried last night!! :'(

Matagal tagal na din nung huli ako umiyak ng bonggang bongga! Kadalasan naluluha lang ako pag-nagmmouth wash lang ako ng Orahex na bawal i-rinse. Pero kagabi, naiyak talaga ako at ang sarap ng feeling...

"I was never your partner, I'm just your wife!".. Oo, sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan naiyak ako ng iyak talaga with matching hikbi nung pinanuod ko for the nth time ang 'Madrasta'. Mabuti nalang talaga at di ko inasam maging 2nd wife(flashback)!O sorry sa mga natamaan hahahaha

Nananahimik kasi ako, nag-ayang magkape ang pinsan ko. Ayan! Mulat ako hanggang madaling araw andami dami ko tuloy naisip.....

Mga magiliw kong tagabasa..alam kong kayo kayo lang naman ang nagttyaga sa blog ko.. ahaha.. parang gusto ko bumili ng professional camera.. Yun nalang muna hihingin ko na regalo kila inay at itay, dahil alam ko na kung pag-iipunan ko sa sswelduhin ko e baka lumpo na ko, lens palang nabibili ko. Kung matuto ako ng Photography bilang hobby, baka mabigyan ko ng hustisya ang tinatago kong pagka-artistic (maliban sa pagging ma-art-e!). Krishna, alam ko susuportahan mo ko dito..

Nung mejo nakakatulog nako.. nbasa ko text ni kish.. itinext ang address nia exactly 4:17AM! anak ng kalabaw.. 'SAN KA NA NAMAN GALING?' at eto pa nagaya pa kung gusto kong sumama para naman wala akong pasok ng alas onse ng umaga.... my gowsh....

sige na pasok na ko...seatshort yata hehehehe

bukang liwayway

Ending.

Kailan dapat tuldukan ang isang sentence? Kailan dapat tapusin ang isang salita? Kailan kailangang bumangon at muling tumayo?

Ang buhay ay parang isang mahabang inuman sessions. Doon, iinom ka.. magpapakasaya, iiyak, maaring magkaroon ka ng madaming kaibigan, maaring masira kayo. May mga bagay na isusuka ka, may mga bagay na pipilitin mong ilulon. Madaming mangyayari, may mga hindi mo inaasahan. Pero bukas pagkagising mo.. masakit ang lahat.. ulo mo, sikmura mo, atay mo, pati ang bulsa mo. Pero ang lahat ng iyan… nakukuha lang sa isang basong malamig na tubig, mainit na kape at mahabang tulog. Pagkatapos niyan tapos ang hang-over.

Pero ang buhay ay hindi ganun.. kapag nabigo ka, hindi ito parang hang-over na pwedeng palipasin nalang. Dahil ang tao ay pinanganak ng may puso at nakakaramdam.

Hemorrhage.

Kahit ilang beses ma-untog at magdugo ang ulo ng tao.. madalas hindi ito agad-agad natututo. Mauuntog, iiyak, iinom, mag-mmove-on.. pero for sure.. isang text lang yan.. siguradong maglo-load ka pa para makapag-reply. Mag-uumpisa ka na naman bigyan ng meaning ang smiley.. ang “muah”, ang “namiss kita”, ang “kumain ka na ba?”. I-ttextbrigade mo ang buong contacts mo para i-announce na nagtext siya ulet, na sweet siya ulet. At in the end… ganun na naman ulet.. din a natuto.

Wear my shoes.

“Wala ka kasi sa posisyon ko kaya kung makapagsalita ka akala mo alam mo na ang pinagdadaanan ko. “

Ito lang ang masasabi ko.. bakit ko pa kailangang danasin ang mga nadanas mo.. e umiyak ka na nga e.. gagayahin ko pa? ano ako tanga.. Sabi nga nila.. “intelligent persons learn from mistakes while wise persons learns from others mistake”. Masarap i-endure ang pain.. pero kung alam mo na na masasaktan ka? Bakit mo pa hahayaan ang sarili mo na mapunta doon. Kung magka-anak nga ng walang ama may paraan na… yun pa kayang pag-iwas sa sakit… lahat may paraan..kung gugustuhin.

Kaya pwede ba..wag mokong pa-andaran ng ganyan!

Emboli.

Kung nasasaktan ka man ngayon. Ikaw ang nagdala sa sarili mo sa posisyon na iyan. Hindi ako, o hindi siya. Dahil kahit pakitaan ka niya ng maganda.. kung alam mo kung saan ka naka-lugar.. hindi mo hahayaan na mahulog ka. Hindi mo hahayaan na magkumpol-kumpol.. mamuo at patayin ka ng simpleng bagay na iyan. Dati crush lang yan.. sigurado ako… pero inipon mo eh.. kaya ngaun.. Surgery na ang kailangan mo.

Aspiration..

Kung kaya lang sana talaga i-extract lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ng tao.. malamang nag-master ako ng phlebotomy. Isang sakit lang naman ang tusok at alam ko na tolerable iyon. Kahit itusok at ibaon pa ng madiin.. kung maalis naman lahat lahat lahat… 450ml na ang idodonate ko.

Anesthesia….

Malamig na bangkay. Temperature below negative 70 degrees. Hindi makaramdam. Patay. Walang buhay. Pale. Manhid. Safest way para iligtas ang sarili. Pansamantala. Mahirap maging manhid, lalo kung gusto mo ng kumawala pero wala kang magawa dahil ubos na ubos ka na. Wala kang maibigay dahil ikaw mismo alam mong ubos ka na. Parang kandila na wala ng mailuha dahil pudpod na. Gusto mo man magsukli.. pero pagtingin mo sa vault ng pera mo.. Bankrupt ka pala.

Trampoline…

Magtago ka nito sa bahay niyo. Effective. Alam kong sold-out na ang pride sa market. Kaya kung hindi ka man makabili ng pride… atleast may trampoline ka. Para san? Malaglag ka man.. siguradong magbbounce back ka. Kaya kung sasabihin mo na hindi mo sinasadyang mahulog… kapag meron ka nito… babalik at babalik ka sa dati mong posisyon. Safe.

Morning Dew.

Kasabay ng pagsikat ng araw. Bukas magiging ok na ang lahat. Ang pagsikat ng araw ay nangangahulugang bagong pag-asa. Tumayo ka… Hindi ang mundo ang gagawa ng paraan para maging maayos ang buhay mo. Walang ibang tutulong sayo kung hindi ang sarili mo. Alam kong marami tayong kaibigan.. pero ang kaibigan ay pader lang na masasandalan. Hindi yan solusyon sa problema mo. Dahil ang solusyon ay ikaw lamang at wala ng iba. Kaya… Move! Now!

jugged

hindi lahat ng nasasayo ngaun..sayo na habang buhay.

people do come and go...ung iba, iiwan ka pa sa ere...

yung iba naman mawawala, babalik, mawawala paulit-ulit parang jeep, paikot-ikot.Kaya dapat habang umaagos, makisabay ka, gumulong ka, pag nakita mo na mag-isa ka nalang, huwag kang mag-alala, sigurado marami pa diyan.

sabi nga ng iba ang buhay parang bato..it's hard... pero narealize ko.. hindi mahirap ang buhay, tayo lang nagpapahirap at ang malilikot na utak. katulad ngayon, bakit ako nagpupuyat at nagsusulat ng mga ganito na walang kasiguruhan kung mey babasa. Babasahin ba niya? Babasahin mo ba?

sabi nga ni friend, para daw akong bata, gusto ko ng lobo at ng ice cream ng sabay. Ngayon na lumipad na ang lobo ko, iyak ako ng iyak samantalang may ice cream pa naman ako, na unting unting nalulusaw dahil hindi ko pinapansin.

People do come and go, and i have no control to make them stay. Kung pwede sana gamitin ang 10% Formaldehyde para i-preserve ang friendship, aba..e baka nagtimpla nako ng marami para maipreserve ko lahat. Pero hindi pwede, so I have to accept na ganto talaga ang buhay.. hindi din naman Unfair, its just a matter of acceptance. So tanggapin nalang. kung may darating, welcome, kung wala.. ganoon talaga! o tama na...bakit juggled? nagulo e...kaninu na ba ang kay juan, kay pedro na.. ay baka kay jose.. oo.. sayo na..hindi na saken.. -out na ko-bye.

I HATE MATH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ang hirap ng math, kahit sampu lang ang numero na na-discover sa mundo at apat lang naman ang signs na naitala. Bakit nga ba mahirap ang Math...?

Mahirap ang math dahil ang 1 + 1 = 2. 2 lang ang sagot, hindi pwedeng 3, hindi pwedeng 4.

Hindi katulad ng language, pagtinanung ka kung bakit ka masaya, maraming pwedeng sagot.Ang tama sayo, pwedeng mali saken at ang mali sayo, pwedeng tama saken.

Mahirap ang math, pero mas ok siya. Right is right, wrong is wrong.

Sana, katulad ng math, ganun din ang utak. Kapag mali, tumigil. Kapag tama, go.

Sana hindi ka nasasaktan pagsinubukan mo mag-trial and error. Sino ba kasi nag-embento ng emotion?para walang umiiyak...

Tama na nga..nadala lang ako sa heart2heart girl talk namen.*peace*..

Matutulog nako!

Unlearning the Habits

Love is just a habit....

Habit of waking up each morning and thinking of him, texting him 24/7, going out with him once in a while, laughing your heart out everytime he cracks a joke(maybe not a really good joke but still you laugh like there's no tomorrow) and dreaming of endless plans for summer or for the future... It's just a simple habit but the hardest to break.

After you finally realize that everything is gone.. You will feel lost.. soo many questions will kill you.

What now? How now? Am i alright? and a lot more...

As much as you want to feel nothing... you will feel heart aches literally and figuratively involuntarily..It's something you can't control.

Now.. you will wake up thinking that he's gone, no text messages, no dates, no more dreams no more everything.... and then you'll find yourself wishing it to come back..but it will not!

Adjustment period sucks.. It's like stopping what you have been doing for so long...

But like a bad habit, no matter how addictive it is, you just have to minimize it till you totally remove it in your system.

"You just have to pretend your OK.. till it feels OK.."

Cry now.. Cry hard.. but after a while.. Stand up and get going...

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

not everything's about you dear.....

i'm okay.
i lay back on my room and i'm holding a cup of mint tea in my hand. i play love songs little bit because on rainy days like this, it just feels right to have a lovesongs playing soft tunes somewhere, and i stare at the window, rain dropping fiercely onto the ground.....
people have asked me time and time again, "oks ka lang ba?" and i've always said, "yeah, ako pa."

and you know what the funniest thing is? I am.

you'd think that i wouldn't be, but i am. it's so funny, but it's just not that head-spinning, prozac nation-love you see on TV... the world makes sense without you. and since you won't let it make sense with you, then i'm forced to admit that i am happy with how it makes sense now.not happy...but ecstatic,excited,whatever happy words there are in the dictionary..

i have a wonderful job for almost 3 years now, i have amazing friends whom i've known for 27 years, i have a family whose eccentricities i could never do without, i love spoiling my nephew, i've set straight my plans for the future, i have a bright tomorrow that i'll be looking forward to and i'm happy, i'm healthy and i'm well.
I'M OKAY.

Regret isn't really big with me, and i don't regret anything.. not even you. not even us no us. and except for the reasons you've never heard or tried to hear, i'll never regret ever being with you either.
but please know that it wasn't nothing, and no one fell out of love.

it was just 2 people finding each other at the wrong time.

it was never simple. and it never was JUST about you and i.


understand this: i needed to die too.

but i loveD you, and we knew it. but as far as trials go, it was the biggest pink elephant we could've ever dreamt of fighting. it was sadness and happiness, guilt, resentment, love and an overwhelming shock of self-hate that we tried to fight. and i.... didn't try hard enough.

i pushed you too far away for you to be able to have seen it, but i did. i died. and you died. and now i'm trying to understand that everything we could have been died slowly after that.

but it was SOMETHING to me. i never felt more alive then than when i had you telling me that we would work through it together. do you still remember? all those nights crying over the phone... i never thanked you enough for making me feel like i could be okay again. like there's a point to all the pain. i'm sorry i needed to find it out for myself. but, thanks.

and now, three months too soon, too late, i'm finally okay, and i never feel more alive than when you have me in your arms for the few minutes that we still make-believe. you make me feel like it's okay to be okay again. like there's a point to all the pain. only now, i'm sorry that now, you have to find it out for yourself. but, thanks.

we're okay. you. and i. at least, i hope that you are.
and we'll okay, you & i. not quite just yet. but together or apart... someday, we will be.;)

like the song you always say you sing for me:

,,,,,di kita iiwanan...pangakong di pababayaan....ako'y nanjan lamang,nakabalot....sa isip mo.....

ooopppsss...you did it again!!!

And the award for the best liar goes to…



You did it again.


Pretending to be so naïve and innocent. You couldn’t fool me but you sure did fool a lot of people with your naivety and false sincerity. A trash no matter how nicely you wrap it - is still a trash. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. The truth will always prevail.


You don’t get to make decisions involving other people’s lives. You shouldn’t meddle with other’s businesses especially if it doesn’t concern you and most especially, you shouldn’t be spreading rumors without any factual basis, NO, I take that back…you shouldn’t be spreading rumors. Period.


And as my wise gay friend would always say…

“Jijierang Penguin ka!”

(Translation: you lying, filthy, meddling, scheming a-hole)

- And all the ruthless words you can find in the dictionary


I’m not posting this to be mean because my blog is all about...random things.. He has tested my patience time and time again. I’m posting this as part of my healing process, letting go of all my anger and bitterness towards him. I still have faith and I am hoping that he will soon realize that the words he says and his actions always have repercussions and that he should be careful with the things he says and does. He has to realize that what he did was wrong and totally unacceptable.



My goodness, gracious grace…it’s horrible + terrible + unbelievable

(As Mary likes to say it).


For now I can’t say I like him, though I have compassion…but I do thank him…if not for him rumors and bad attitude…I wouldn't be as stronger now as before( yes, parang kanta lang...) and wouldn’t have the blessings I am enjoying right now. So thank you…

How about a round of applause?

A standing ovation.

That was quite a show.

very entertaining,

but it’s over now..

Go on and

Take a Bow.

dear anne curtis....

kahit na buwisit na buwisit ako sa'yo noong love-team pa kayo ni chubi del rosario at noong pangit at mukhang sinadya ang tagalog mong may maarteng aussie accent, natutuwa ako na nagka-award ka. sa 10 or 11 years mo sa showbiz, ngayon e di ka na artista lang na basta-basta. sa totoo lang, di ko pa napapanood ang baler di naman kasi ako natutuwa dahil marunong ka nang um-acting. natutuwa lang ako dahil pagkatapos kang mawalan ng kapatid at iwan ni sam milby e mahaba na naman ang buhok mo. tinalbugan mo na si bea alonzo at naloloka ang mga fans mo. kahit ako, naloka. gusto na nga kitang sabunutan sa haba ng hair mo kaso masyadong makintab dahil sa head n shoulders. shet. nangangarap na tuloy akong manalo sa raffle ng 1 milyon o kaya brand new, makinang, at kumikintab na car. ang galing -galing ng tadhana.

sana gumaling pa ang pagtatagalog mo para yung mga serious roles mo e di lang pa-english-english parati kagaya ng sa maging sino ka man. sana rin e balikan ka na ni sam milby para mas lalong mahaba ang hair mo at kinikilig-kilig ka naman. at sabi nga nung sa nabasa ko na sabi niya e kagaya raw sa tipikal na showbiz: MORE POWER TO YOU!



*salamat pala sa youtube at napanood ko ang acceptance speech mo..mabuhay ka pinay!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Showbiz update (how Sam Milby made my monday...salamat ulet sa youtube dahel napanood ko ang a million years ago na episode ng the buzz):
Tanong ni Boy Abunda: May balak ka bang balikan si Anne Curtis?
Papa Sam: I do. I do.
Aaaaaaack! Sabi ko sa inyo e. Tagumpay talaga ng love life ko ang tagumpay nila. Oh well, wish ko lang di yun fabricated....

senyorita materyosa!

malakas ang ulan at nakakatamad lumabas. pero walang nakapigil sa'kin pumunta ng mall. naisipan ko kasi bumili ng sapatos.

at ang sapatos, nadagdagan ng bagong kamisetang damit, Mac na make-up, at kung anik-anik. bitin sa totoo lang pero masayang masaya ako. at sa sobrang saya ko, biglang sumagi sa isip ko na nagiging materyosa na ako.

simula ng nagkatrabaho ako lahat ng bagay nagkakaroon ng added value. kapag tinatamad akong maglakad o kaya nagmamadali - taxi (matagal kasi mag-antay ng bus...lalo na ng mrt!). dagdag na bayad lang para makabili ng ginhawa at oras. kapag walang mapuntahan kapag may hinihintay - coffee shop. dagdag na bayad lang para makabili ng espasyong malamig at mauupuan na "disente". kapag na-tamad magluto paguwi sa umaga at di na makapag-almusal sa bahay - mcbreakfast. dagdag na gastos lang para makabili ng kaunting tulog. nalungkot ako kasi di ako pinayagan sumama sa camping trip kaya "kinailangan" ko bumili ng sapatos. dagdag na gastos lang, masaya na naman ako.

lahat na lang biglang nagkaroon ng bayad. parating may kapalit, parating may susukatin.

buti na lang may free Mocha latte sa McDonalds twing Lunes...

Buti na lang may free breakfast ang Starbucks ebridei...un nga lang, kelangan mo suungin ang pila...

Nilulubos ko lang ang mga araw ko...kapag wala na trabaho, malamang mas kuripot pa ako ke ..(hehe, peace!!)

pero promise ko sa sarili ko, mag-iipon ako para sa mega-bling bling headband ni anne curtis.

HOMESICK!

i never get used to this....huhuhuhu

gusto ko ng umuwi ng pampanga....bisa ku ng mangan kare-kare ampong sisig!!!!

epiphany

Current mood: rejuvenated

i believe that my life's gonna see the love i give, returned to me.

And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite...

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, this wonderous place we call earth really IS crazy? or lets say YOUR world revolves around you. then suddenly someone comes along and completely revolutionizes how you think, the air you breathe, and your overall demeanor. then there is that person that makes you fall into a bottomless pit of stupidity while you smile in ignorant bliss. but oh no lastly you have that one creature. that ONE person for whom you'd take any amount of torture. no matter how excrutiating. but is it worth it? is this person REALLY worth you crawling on your knees and hands through jagged rocks? that really is a hard one but there is a simple way to answer it. just ask yourself if you honestly think that person would do the same for you. and better yet if you see them do that for you then you noe they care.....don't be masochists...no matter how much you love a person, they may not be worth it. so do not stay in this draining relationship that will lead you to the middle of nowhere.

i got my angel now :p

Current mood: enlightened

I have learned so much about life in the past few months, and changed greatly as a person. I don't like the person I used to be, with all of the partying and clubs. It's just not fun anymore. I started to realize all of this around April2009 when I started talking to this super wonderful guy.. I'm not going to say who he is, for personal reasons, but I bet anyone who knows me could make a good guess. He made me realize so much about myself and about other people.

Before I started talking to him I made terrible decisions in my life, especially when it came to guys. I let guys walk all over me and treat me like crap, because I was too nice. I thought that I would hurt their feelings by breaking things off or whatever, so I just let things build up. I mean, it's definitely not a bad thing to care about the way other people feel and to realize that your actions may hurt someone... but there is a point where it becomes too much. The point where you're so built up inside from caring more about everyone else than yourself... sometimes you need to be a little selfish. This amazing guy taught me that I don't need to be around these people that are such bad influences on me.

People who I have known for years that have said or done things that bothered me aren't really in my life much anymore. It's not right for me to be around people who do things that I don't approve of, or that I feel goes against my morals. In the past few months I have closed contact with multiple people who were close to me. Most of them were really close friends, but it was something that I had to do for myself. I can't sit around and pretend that I'm happy when inside I'm really not.

I found that I used to lie a lot, because if I told the truth about the way I feel it hurts someone else. But the thing about that is that you can't be mad about how someone feels... No one gets to control your emotions or feelings. You are the only person who gets to control that. I was so unhappy for the longest time; I went through so much crap from january 2009 until about March 2009 that most people don't even know about. I'm not going to explain what happened to me, because it's too personal for just anyone to know.

Changing my inputs and the bad influences in my life has changed my life dramatically. For me, I didn't need drugs or counseling to fix my life, I just needed a friend who would listen to me and give me great advice! He repeatedly told me to "make a plan, write it out, and BOLDLY execute it." And that is what I do now. You can't go into something life-changing just winging it. Writing it down makes you more organized… you can't get lost in what you are thinking and forget what you need to say because it's on paper.

I still have people in my life that I don't think are great influences on me, and I don't exactly approve of how they handle things… but sometimes that is just something I will have to deal with. I'm extremely mature for my age, so it's hard for me to have any friends that I get along with 100 percent. For now I'll just have to deal with a little bit of immaturity until my friends realize they need to grow up. I understand that is going to take a while, but maybe if they read this they will get it. Just because I have been friends with these people for a long time, doesn't mean that the friendship can't ever end. Friendships that are meant to be forever, though, really are forever and nothing can change that.The kind of friendship I want with more people is mature when we need to be, but we can still go have fun.

Everyone needs to be treated like they are someone special… because they are. I don't care what people think of me or my beliefs now because if you have an issue with it, then I don't need you in my life. I am happier than I have ever been right now, and the only way to keep it like that is to believe the things I do.. same person is helping me get through all of it as gracefully as possible though, and I am so happy for that. This guy is the best friend that I could ever have; I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life.

If anyone would like to talk to me about this blog at all, feel free to message me. I know some of you will be wondering who all of the people are I am talking about, and if you ask me I will tell the complete truth.

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away