Current mood: 
enlightened I have learned so much about life in the past few months, and changed greatly as a person. I don't like the person I used to be, with all of the partying and clubs. It's just not fun anymore. I started to realize all of this around April2009 when I started talking to this super wonderful guy.. I'm not going to say who he is, for personal reasons, but I bet anyone who knows me could make a good guess. He made me realize so much about myself and about other people.
Before I started talking to him I made terrible decisions in my life, especially when it came to guys. I let guys walk all over me and treat me like crap, because I was too nice. I thought that I would hurt their feelings by breaking things off or whatever, so I just let things build up. I mean, it's definitely not a bad thing to care about the way other people feel and to realize that your actions may hurt someone... but there is a point where it becomes too much. The point where you're so built up inside from caring more about everyone else than yourself... sometimes you need to be a little selfish. This amazing guy taught me that I don't need to be around these people that are such bad influences on me.
People who I have known for years that have said or done things that bothered me aren't really in my life much anymore. It's not right for me to be around people who do things that I don't approve of, or that I feel goes against my morals. In the past few months I have closed contact with multiple people who were close to me. Most of them were really close friends, but it was something that I had to do for myself. I can't sit around and pretend that I'm happy when inside I'm really not.
I found that I used to lie a lot, because if I told the truth about the way I feel it hurts someone else. But the thing about that is that you can't be mad about how someone feels... No one gets to control your emotions or feelings. You are the only person who gets to control that. I was so unhappy for the longest time; I went through so much crap from january 2009 until about March 2009 that most people don't even know about. I'm not going to explain what happened to me, because it's too personal for just anyone to know.
Changing my inputs and the bad influences in my life has changed my life dramatically. For me, I didn't need drugs or counseling to fix my life, I just needed a friend who would listen to me and give me great advice! He repeatedly told me to "make a plan, write it out, and BOLDLY execute it." And that is what I do now. You can't go into something life-changing just winging it. Writing it down makes you more organized… you can't get lost in what you are thinking and forget what you need to say because it's on paper.
I still have people in my life that I don't think are great influences on me, and I don't exactly approve of how they handle things… but sometimes that is just something I will have to deal with. I'm extremely mature for my age, so it's hard for me to have any friends that I get along with 100 percent. For now I'll just have to deal with a little bit of immaturity until my friends realize they need to grow up. I understand that is going to take a while, but maybe if they read this they will get it. Just because I have been friends with these people for a long time, doesn't mean that the friendship can't ever end. Friendships that are meant to be forever, though, really are forever and nothing can change that.The kind of friendship I want with more people is mature when we need to be, but we can still go have fun.
Everyone needs to be treated like they are someone special… because they are. I don't care what people think of me or my beliefs now because if you have an issue with it, then I don't need you in my life. I am happier than I have ever been right now, and the only way to keep it like that is to believe the things I do.. same person is helping me get through all of it as gracefully as possible though, and I am so happy for that. This guy is the best friend that I could ever have; I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life.
Every rule I had you breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
