happily...*ever after* ... the real fairy tale

TODAY..I must say that things may be coming my way.

Today I can talk. I can smile with my heart at it. I just love myself and I care for it.

With a prayer that all of my hurt shall go and so it went and I'm happy. True love shall help me heal so that it will be worth the wait.

I prayed to GOD to give me what I deserve more than what I desire and now I don't know if this is it but I feel like being aware more than pretending. Are things going my way? I'm constantly praying that this time it will be consistent and endless. This time I just want to be worthy for someone who can be there for me. Who can stand by me. Today, I am just aware that there really are people who just wish you happiness and smile with you.

Today I must say that I am endlessly receiving the things that I have wished for. I thank all the people who gave me constant tapping on the back. Who gave me the warmth of their hugs. Thank you. Now, I feel like being into it so emotionally attached to the one who can promise me eternity exist and that love grows, commitment does conquer all.

When I was a child.. up to now. I have dealt with imaginations of fairy tale come true and only to find out .. to wake up one day.. and realize that it can be true?!

I prayed not for a guy who can be loyal to me but instead committed. I prayed not for a guy who can love me back but for a guy who can love me more and be consistent. I prayed for a guy who can secure my future but He gave me a guy who plans his future for me and that future wishes me to be the one.

Now, it's another version of patiently waiting…I shall wait if I want things not to end. If I want things as happily ever after…decision comes as it shall be firm and consistent for me to have the desires of my heart.

It shall be soon.. a happily ever after...

sort of year ender (sorry it came late) :p

everybody have had written a year ender by now.. but not me.. it got me thinking really hard on my highlights of the year.. like ano nga ba? haha! wait.. hmm..

**last year my father was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer..
January 8 was the day when we came to cardinal santos general hospital and my father had his endoscopy for the second time..when the doctor came out of the endoscopy room she said we need to immediately confine my father for surgery..it was really hard for the whole family that time..but for all the prayers and help of friends and the whole family,after all the radio therapy and chemo therapy... my father survive...he had his CT scan last october and found out that there are no longer cancer cells in his body...the best thing that ever happened in my life for the whole year..

**was transferred from directTV to at&t
It was April first...the day i cant forget...i dont know if im going to cry or will be happy...tl ian told us we will be transferring from one account to another..he will be training for at&t warranty and we will be at at&t prepaid...that day was full of loneliness and frustrations...but then again after the pst and transition...finally we are still surviving...same team..same friends...only closer to each other...its really amazing how you can work and be happy with your co-workers at the same time....hope this 2010 will be a verry happy year for us as well....road may be rocky...but were still striving to survive..

**he broke up with me...
march of this year...heartaches is really the most painful thing in a womans life...i know i have written a lot about heartaches and broken hearted feelings and stuff...well its just that i really felt so miserable and so frustrated when you thought you have given everything you have to give and have done everything you have to do but you still end up being the looser in the end...well that's life...atleast now i know im stronger and wiser..hehehe were still friends though..good friends..we still play important part in each others lives..and when the right time and the right moment will come, who knows...dehvah?!

**met my highschool friends again after a very long time
novermber this year...i met up with my highschool bestfriends again....that time was full of happiness and enjoyment...after a very long time i saw them again...we had lots of things that we had talked about...although were not complete atleast we had fun..

**i bought an iphone!!
the highlight of my year 2009!!!after all the hard works,frustrations,heartaches,happiness and all emotions i can think of......its all worth it when im holding my new baby through my hands...i kinda still studying how it works until this very moment,but i think i will learn..in time..after all,,,patience is a virtue...hehehehe

**i had my hair rebonded and cut it like korean style wahihihi

finally i decided to have my hair rebonded..it was expensive right but im happy with the outcome..hehehe then after a week i decided to get a new look...so i went to a very expensive salon (pinagmayabang talaga) and got my hair cut like one of those korean hairs...well atfirst i thought im not happy with it but nung binati na ng lahat na napakaganda ng gupit ko..hehehe i felt proud and happy...atleast sulit ang mahal na binayad ko wahihihi

**bumming around

most of my year were spent watching back trax stuff.. series like: Samantha Who?,Dawson's creek,Charmed,Ali Mcbeal,Pushing Daisies (it got cancelled =X), How I Met Your Mother, Stargate Altantis (yeess! up on my sci fi geeky side), Life, Bones, Kyle XY and CSI

and albums!!! whee! nacomplete ko na ang pagdownload ng goo goo dolls, incubus and lifehouse ko haha.. finally.. =D im much more interested with acoustic versions or live than the original tracks heehee i don't have a song of the year this time but i'm pretty fixed to taylor swift and lady gaga songs...

and books!!! i was pretty glued with ofcoarse twilight mania with all the series...sydney sheldon books...and a friend named lester introduce me to bob ong humor...i cry, laugh, get angry, happy and learned a lot with those novels....old school is still the best..hehehe


waa almost 1 hr ko kinompose haha.. madami dami din pala hehe.. till the next year ender

happy holidays!!!

Oh really??

Is it December already?! (advance ako magisip)

GOSH..

that is not a sarcastic comment..

i repeat.. that is not a sarcastic comment

Can't feel the christmas season. Or is it just me? I'm not excited, really.

First because my Vacation Leave was cancelled(even if i filed it as early as september and up until now i still dont know whats the status of it since we just had an fgd with om last tuesday), second is i think ill be spending Christmas at the office for the first time in 27years history of my life because our schedule was change to 7pm instead of 4am(kamalas malasan sa lahat ng malas because our team was the lowest for bucket B skeds) huhuhu..third,all this rumors that 13th month pay is going to be late this time(san ako kukuha ng pangshoshoping ko?ayaw ko makipagsiksikan sa napakaraming nag rurush ng christmas shopping)...lastly, i think im going to have a white Christmas ( malamig ang pasko huhuhu)...hayzzzzz

Anyways-- back to the topic.. Even Christmas Trees doesnt bring out the Christmas spirit in me. Weird.. while every year the only holliday that i look upto was Christmas and New Year.. I had the reason to splurge on Peppermint coffee (but now im beginning to hate coffee's, i settle for coke instead hahaha) and to shop for gifts and Christmas outfit and stuff.. *sigh*

What's happening?

When did i become so...

DULL?!

i love this song by the kapamilyas...loyalista ako sa abs cbn hehehe

Fr.tel: "Ayoko ng tumawid sa WALANG TAWIRAN!"

Nung bago ako sa MAYNILA, nagtataka ako bakit napakadaming PED XING sa Kalsada.. akala ko nun para itong Espana Ave or Quezon Ave na napakahabang Avenue.

"Sh*t..ang promdi ko!!" yan lang yung nasabi ko nung narealize ko na pedestrian crossing pala ang meaning ng PED XING.. bakit pa kasi kelangan ishort cut.. hmmmm...

----

Simula ng naging MMDA chairman si Bayani Fernando at nabalutan ng mga hot pink pintura ang buong Kamaynilaan.. napakadaming signboard na WALANG TAWIRAN NAKAMAMATAY..

pero..madami pa ding Tumatawid? bakit?

TANGA BA?

----

Ako? katulad ni tel.. tumawid din sa WALANG TAWIRAN..

mahirap.

nakakatakot.

pero challenging.

at ang sarap ng pakiramdam pag nakatawid.

pero isang mali.. patay.

at wala kang pwedeng sisihin..dahil mey signboard!

hindi ka ba marunong magbasa?

----

Ngaun? ala na ko balak tumawid sa WALANG TAWIRAN..

sa mey pedestrian line na.. para may BENTE na pangkape kapag nasagasaan.

----

Masaya na ako dapat ngayon. Ang haba nga ng hair ko e.. natatapakan na.. pero takot na akong tumawid talaga. Hindi ko alam bakit.

sabaw

humahanga ako sa taong magaling magsalita,

hanga rin ako sa taong magaling magsulat.

pero kanino talaga ako mas humahanga?


ewan ko pa, basta naiinspire ako sa taong nakakpaginspire ng ibang tao.o diba ang daming inspire. basta ganun.sa ngayon gusto kong magbasa ng libro ni bob ong para mainspire din ako hehe. puro sabaw nalang yata kasi laman ng utak ko ngayon, wala na rin akong social life. pati yung kaibigan kong tawid lang ang pagitan ng office namin ay di ko na nakikita. hay buhay..


sana may bago ng libro si bob ong!!!


naisip ko lang siguro napepressure si bob ong magsulat ng magandang libro kasi madami na siyang taga hanga hehe wala lang.

Kung ako ay isang walang kwentang manunulat, english ang isusulat ko, para kahit anu anu ang sabihin ko hindi na nila mahahalata.. Kaya nga ako nagsulat sa tagalog para maintindihan ng mambabasa ang lahat ng sinasabi ko.---bob ong

si pogi at ang mga pangarap

Pangarap ko talagang maging manunulat, pero hindi ng mga makabuluhang nobela o anuman. Gusto ko lang sumulat ng simpleng libro, story book na pambata ganun. Simple pero may dating, ganun ang gusto ko. Pangarap ko rin na gumawa ng pelikula, oha! Ok lang naman mangarap diba. Mangangarap ka na nga lang, taasan mo na. Matagal tagal ko na ring nakalimutan ang pangarap na to, simula ng grumaduate ako sa kolehiyo. Naalala ko siya paminsan minsan pero iba pa rin yung may kasama kang nangangarap.


Balik sa kolehiyo:
May naging kakilala ako na itago nalang natin sa pangalang "pogi" dahil yun ang gusto niyang tawag sa kanya, Pano ko nakilala si pogi? Matalik na kaibigan siya ng kaklase ko nung first year, one year ahead siya sa akin. Ayun nagpakilalanlan, nagkasundo naman kami, lumipas ang mga araw at naging kaclose ko siya ang galing diba at dun na nagsimula ang pangarap namin...


Mahilig kaming magusap ng kahit ano, kahit makabuluhan o hindi. Natatawa kami sa mga simpleng bagay. Madalas kaming magdudugtungan ng mga kwento, minsan kami lang minsan kasama ang ibang kaibigan. Madalas din kaming sumulat ng kanta na tungkol sa mga biglaang pangyayari sa harap namin, tapos yung tono basta lang. Naguusap din kami ng mga pangarap namin sa telepono. Gusto naming mabasa ni Neil Gaiman at Paolo Coelho ang mga gagawin naming libro, tatalunin namin ang Little Prince at si Edgar Allan Poe. Ganyan lang kasimple ang mga pangarap namin. Pero simula nung nagstop siya magaral, di na kami nakakapagbonding.


Ngayon may trabaho na siya at bigtime na, ako may trabaho din pero di ako bigtime. Ngayong araw na to, tinawagan niya ako, after ilang taon na di paguusap. Naaliw ako at buhay pa siya, ganun padin siya, magulo, masaya. Marami siyang masasayang kwento. Nagusap ulit kami tungkol sa pagsusulat ng kwento, kinumbinsi niya akong magsulat ulit kami. Pero pano? hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko nabuhay na nanaman ang pangarap ko.


Salamat sayo pogi, sa pagiinspire sa akin, balang araw sisikat din tayo, matatapos din natin lahat ng kwentong sinimulan natin.

FALSE POSITIVE

I was hoping not to write the saddest line this moment..But if I do..please bare with me..

Kagabi pa ngpplayback sa utak ko ang kantang to..

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it?

Madaming unanswered questions na ewan ko ba kung bakit paulet ulet na uniikot sa utak ko..Bakit ako ngsstay? bakit ako andito?

Humahanap sana ako ng magandang timing nung super happy pa ko para makapag-sulat ng inspiring blog but then again kelangan ko pa palang masaktan ulet para lang tumayo at hawakan ang keyboard na to. Actually, mahirap tumayo.. ayaw ko talagang kumilos pero ayoko ng pakiramdam ng quicksand.. hindi ko alam kung strong ba talaga ako o ngppretend lang ako katulad ng lage ko ginagawa.. Ok kahit hindi talaga!

Madaming beses na ko napunta sa scenario na nahihirapan ako at ang lagi kong ginagawa ay mag-escape at tumihimik nalang..pero bakit hindi ko magawa ngaun.. "Hands down ako sayu" can't make me feel better. Ewan, walang salita na makakapagpa-ok sa akin ngaun.

Mixed field agglutination: Galit na naiinis na hindi ko talaga maintindihan..sana galit nalang talaga ko para alam ko panu ihahandle tong nararamdaman ko.

Ayoko ng mag-isip kung anung distributing factor bakit ko na-miss ang pag-interpret na to.. False Positive!

just G and more!!!!

One cloudy afternoon on my favorite shirt and comfortable flipflops. Money on my pocket? waaa.. 2,000. Buddy on my side? tel kish, my shopping partner. Ready..get set go...

The search was like an adventure. kamiseta shirt, in all colors, particularly rainbow colors, R-O-Y-G-B-I-V. 500php vintage bayo shirt...hmmm..not on our budget. manels doll shoes..check! Gurly stuff, kikay bling bling...."ia..help us"! hmmmmmm...

after the shopping...my favorite stop... new york fries with crazy crepes. sweet and cold versus hot and salty....anything goes! Dont ever forget Caramel Frapp at starbucks..hehehe

End of our just G escapade... just girlbonding... until next shopping of the year tel... lets do it..monthly!

steady state theory

ganda ko dito syet!!! hahahaha

Blank...

Steady...

Ang problema ko ngaun ay wala akong problema. Wala akong maisip na dapat problemahin at talagang problema ito. Bigyan niyo nga ako ng dapat kong problemahin.

Hindi ko maintindihan bakit napaka-transient na ng kalungkutan sa buhay ko. Early this morning, nakita ko ang 'highschool' barkada ko pala ay ng-outing last time, di ko yun alam, kumpleto sila and all. Hmmmm, sad for 20 seconds tapos wala na ulit ako maramdaman. Nabubuhay nalang ako sa masasayang thoughts at nawiwirduhan ako dahil bakit di na ko nalulungkot...hahaha!

hahahahahahahaha!

unveiling ME!

It's about time to unlock my handcuff.

"prison-break"..

For sooo many years..wala na ako ginawa kung hindi magpaka-proper, trying to stand out, reaching everybody's expectations, at gawin ang tama. I've done enough to prove myself. Pagod na din ako na pilitin ang lahat ng tao to like me, to love me and to care for me. It's about time to unveil what's been hidden for so long.

good student..

Achiever..

Good girl..

Lahat yan pinag-hirapan ko.. though di ko naman nireregret ang mga nangyari.. I just want to enjoy now..

Party hard, Laugh like wala ng bukas, wear anything, shop til i drop, work like a professional, capture memories, lahat...

Eto talaga ako.. Rassel.. same me but happier and prettier..

*i love u boy... but i just love myself more... im sorry*

Rerebond ko ang buhok ko dahil gusto ko... uuwi ako ng umaga dahil dun ako masaya.. love me or hate me..problema niyo na yun..

Hindi na ko magpapaapekto sa chismis or sa mga sinasabi ng madlang people sa pagkatao ko... i know myself more than u do..

QUOTED QUOTE: "if u love me.. i'll stay in your heart.. if u hate me..i'll stay in ur mind"...sino ngaun ang mey problema??

So far..so good..contented..satisfied but still dreaming of things.. and making that happen.

this is my official LIGHTBULB MOMENT... I've never felt as cool as now.. chill.. peace and quiet..

I'm inlove with my work, with my friends, with my family and with everyone who loves me...

In few years..masmagiging mature ako..alam ko un..then eventually..when i look back.. makikita ko to..ang process ng aking awakening..

It's sooo goooood to be ME!

sana..NOON pa!

but then again...SWAK lang naman.. just on time..

selfish moments ko ngaun..pagbigyan niyo na.. chinecherish ko lang ang self-worth ko!

i-super-duper-mega-over-love-ME!peace!

ME by Paula Cole

my favorite song........

i cried last night!! :'(

Matagal tagal na din nung huli ako umiyak ng bonggang bongga! Kadalasan naluluha lang ako pag-nagmmouth wash lang ako ng Orahex na bawal i-rinse. Pero kagabi, naiyak talaga ako at ang sarap ng feeling...

"I was never your partner, I'm just your wife!".. Oo, sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan naiyak ako ng iyak talaga with matching hikbi nung pinanuod ko for the nth time ang 'Madrasta'. Mabuti nalang talaga at di ko inasam maging 2nd wife(flashback)!O sorry sa mga natamaan hahahaha

Nananahimik kasi ako, nag-ayang magkape ang pinsan ko. Ayan! Mulat ako hanggang madaling araw andami dami ko tuloy naisip.....

Mga magiliw kong tagabasa..alam kong kayo kayo lang naman ang nagttyaga sa blog ko.. ahaha.. parang gusto ko bumili ng professional camera.. Yun nalang muna hihingin ko na regalo kila inay at itay, dahil alam ko na kung pag-iipunan ko sa sswelduhin ko e baka lumpo na ko, lens palang nabibili ko. Kung matuto ako ng Photography bilang hobby, baka mabigyan ko ng hustisya ang tinatago kong pagka-artistic (maliban sa pagging ma-art-e!). Krishna, alam ko susuportahan mo ko dito..

Nung mejo nakakatulog nako.. nbasa ko text ni kish.. itinext ang address nia exactly 4:17AM! anak ng kalabaw.. 'SAN KA NA NAMAN GALING?' at eto pa nagaya pa kung gusto kong sumama para naman wala akong pasok ng alas onse ng umaga.... my gowsh....

sige na pasok na ko...seatshort yata hehehehe

bukang liwayway

Ending.

Kailan dapat tuldukan ang isang sentence? Kailan dapat tapusin ang isang salita? Kailan kailangang bumangon at muling tumayo?

Ang buhay ay parang isang mahabang inuman sessions. Doon, iinom ka.. magpapakasaya, iiyak, maaring magkaroon ka ng madaming kaibigan, maaring masira kayo. May mga bagay na isusuka ka, may mga bagay na pipilitin mong ilulon. Madaming mangyayari, may mga hindi mo inaasahan. Pero bukas pagkagising mo.. masakit ang lahat.. ulo mo, sikmura mo, atay mo, pati ang bulsa mo. Pero ang lahat ng iyan… nakukuha lang sa isang basong malamig na tubig, mainit na kape at mahabang tulog. Pagkatapos niyan tapos ang hang-over.

Pero ang buhay ay hindi ganun.. kapag nabigo ka, hindi ito parang hang-over na pwedeng palipasin nalang. Dahil ang tao ay pinanganak ng may puso at nakakaramdam.

Hemorrhage.

Kahit ilang beses ma-untog at magdugo ang ulo ng tao.. madalas hindi ito agad-agad natututo. Mauuntog, iiyak, iinom, mag-mmove-on.. pero for sure.. isang text lang yan.. siguradong maglo-load ka pa para makapag-reply. Mag-uumpisa ka na naman bigyan ng meaning ang smiley.. ang “muah”, ang “namiss kita”, ang “kumain ka na ba?”. I-ttextbrigade mo ang buong contacts mo para i-announce na nagtext siya ulet, na sweet siya ulet. At in the end… ganun na naman ulet.. din a natuto.

Wear my shoes.

“Wala ka kasi sa posisyon ko kaya kung makapagsalita ka akala mo alam mo na ang pinagdadaanan ko. “

Ito lang ang masasabi ko.. bakit ko pa kailangang danasin ang mga nadanas mo.. e umiyak ka na nga e.. gagayahin ko pa? ano ako tanga.. Sabi nga nila.. “intelligent persons learn from mistakes while wise persons learns from others mistake”. Masarap i-endure ang pain.. pero kung alam mo na na masasaktan ka? Bakit mo pa hahayaan ang sarili mo na mapunta doon. Kung magka-anak nga ng walang ama may paraan na… yun pa kayang pag-iwas sa sakit… lahat may paraan..kung gugustuhin.

Kaya pwede ba..wag mokong pa-andaran ng ganyan!

Emboli.

Kung nasasaktan ka man ngayon. Ikaw ang nagdala sa sarili mo sa posisyon na iyan. Hindi ako, o hindi siya. Dahil kahit pakitaan ka niya ng maganda.. kung alam mo kung saan ka naka-lugar.. hindi mo hahayaan na mahulog ka. Hindi mo hahayaan na magkumpol-kumpol.. mamuo at patayin ka ng simpleng bagay na iyan. Dati crush lang yan.. sigurado ako… pero inipon mo eh.. kaya ngaun.. Surgery na ang kailangan mo.

Aspiration..

Kung kaya lang sana talaga i-extract lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ng tao.. malamang nag-master ako ng phlebotomy. Isang sakit lang naman ang tusok at alam ko na tolerable iyon. Kahit itusok at ibaon pa ng madiin.. kung maalis naman lahat lahat lahat… 450ml na ang idodonate ko.

Anesthesia….

Malamig na bangkay. Temperature below negative 70 degrees. Hindi makaramdam. Patay. Walang buhay. Pale. Manhid. Safest way para iligtas ang sarili. Pansamantala. Mahirap maging manhid, lalo kung gusto mo ng kumawala pero wala kang magawa dahil ubos na ubos ka na. Wala kang maibigay dahil ikaw mismo alam mong ubos ka na. Parang kandila na wala ng mailuha dahil pudpod na. Gusto mo man magsukli.. pero pagtingin mo sa vault ng pera mo.. Bankrupt ka pala.

Trampoline…

Magtago ka nito sa bahay niyo. Effective. Alam kong sold-out na ang pride sa market. Kaya kung hindi ka man makabili ng pride… atleast may trampoline ka. Para san? Malaglag ka man.. siguradong magbbounce back ka. Kaya kung sasabihin mo na hindi mo sinasadyang mahulog… kapag meron ka nito… babalik at babalik ka sa dati mong posisyon. Safe.

Morning Dew.

Kasabay ng pagsikat ng araw. Bukas magiging ok na ang lahat. Ang pagsikat ng araw ay nangangahulugang bagong pag-asa. Tumayo ka… Hindi ang mundo ang gagawa ng paraan para maging maayos ang buhay mo. Walang ibang tutulong sayo kung hindi ang sarili mo. Alam kong marami tayong kaibigan.. pero ang kaibigan ay pader lang na masasandalan. Hindi yan solusyon sa problema mo. Dahil ang solusyon ay ikaw lamang at wala ng iba. Kaya… Move! Now!

jugged

hindi lahat ng nasasayo ngaun..sayo na habang buhay.

people do come and go...ung iba, iiwan ka pa sa ere...

yung iba naman mawawala, babalik, mawawala paulit-ulit parang jeep, paikot-ikot.Kaya dapat habang umaagos, makisabay ka, gumulong ka, pag nakita mo na mag-isa ka nalang, huwag kang mag-alala, sigurado marami pa diyan.

sabi nga ng iba ang buhay parang bato..it's hard... pero narealize ko.. hindi mahirap ang buhay, tayo lang nagpapahirap at ang malilikot na utak. katulad ngayon, bakit ako nagpupuyat at nagsusulat ng mga ganito na walang kasiguruhan kung mey babasa. Babasahin ba niya? Babasahin mo ba?

sabi nga ni friend, para daw akong bata, gusto ko ng lobo at ng ice cream ng sabay. Ngayon na lumipad na ang lobo ko, iyak ako ng iyak samantalang may ice cream pa naman ako, na unting unting nalulusaw dahil hindi ko pinapansin.

People do come and go, and i have no control to make them stay. Kung pwede sana gamitin ang 10% Formaldehyde para i-preserve ang friendship, aba..e baka nagtimpla nako ng marami para maipreserve ko lahat. Pero hindi pwede, so I have to accept na ganto talaga ang buhay.. hindi din naman Unfair, its just a matter of acceptance. So tanggapin nalang. kung may darating, welcome, kung wala.. ganoon talaga! o tama na...bakit juggled? nagulo e...kaninu na ba ang kay juan, kay pedro na.. ay baka kay jose.. oo.. sayo na..hindi na saken.. -out na ko-bye.

I HATE MATH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ang hirap ng math, kahit sampu lang ang numero na na-discover sa mundo at apat lang naman ang signs na naitala. Bakit nga ba mahirap ang Math...?

Mahirap ang math dahil ang 1 + 1 = 2. 2 lang ang sagot, hindi pwedeng 3, hindi pwedeng 4.

Hindi katulad ng language, pagtinanung ka kung bakit ka masaya, maraming pwedeng sagot.Ang tama sayo, pwedeng mali saken at ang mali sayo, pwedeng tama saken.

Mahirap ang math, pero mas ok siya. Right is right, wrong is wrong.

Sana, katulad ng math, ganun din ang utak. Kapag mali, tumigil. Kapag tama, go.

Sana hindi ka nasasaktan pagsinubukan mo mag-trial and error. Sino ba kasi nag-embento ng emotion?para walang umiiyak...

Tama na nga..nadala lang ako sa heart2heart girl talk namen.*peace*..

Matutulog nako!

Unlearning the Habits

Love is just a habit....

Habit of waking up each morning and thinking of him, texting him 24/7, going out with him once in a while, laughing your heart out everytime he cracks a joke(maybe not a really good joke but still you laugh like there's no tomorrow) and dreaming of endless plans for summer or for the future... It's just a simple habit but the hardest to break.

After you finally realize that everything is gone.. You will feel lost.. soo many questions will kill you.

What now? How now? Am i alright? and a lot more...

As much as you want to feel nothing... you will feel heart aches literally and figuratively involuntarily..It's something you can't control.

Now.. you will wake up thinking that he's gone, no text messages, no dates, no more dreams no more everything.... and then you'll find yourself wishing it to come back..but it will not!

Adjustment period sucks.. It's like stopping what you have been doing for so long...

But like a bad habit, no matter how addictive it is, you just have to minimize it till you totally remove it in your system.

"You just have to pretend your OK.. till it feels OK.."

Cry now.. Cry hard.. but after a while.. Stand up and get going...

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

not everything's about you dear.....

i'm okay.
i lay back on my room and i'm holding a cup of mint tea in my hand. i play love songs little bit because on rainy days like this, it just feels right to have a lovesongs playing soft tunes somewhere, and i stare at the window, rain dropping fiercely onto the ground.....
people have asked me time and time again, "oks ka lang ba?" and i've always said, "yeah, ako pa."

and you know what the funniest thing is? I am.

you'd think that i wouldn't be, but i am. it's so funny, but it's just not that head-spinning, prozac nation-love you see on TV... the world makes sense without you. and since you won't let it make sense with you, then i'm forced to admit that i am happy with how it makes sense now.not happy...but ecstatic,excited,whatever happy words there are in the dictionary..

i have a wonderful job for almost 3 years now, i have amazing friends whom i've known for 27 years, i have a family whose eccentricities i could never do without, i love spoiling my nephew, i've set straight my plans for the future, i have a bright tomorrow that i'll be looking forward to and i'm happy, i'm healthy and i'm well.
I'M OKAY.

Regret isn't really big with me, and i don't regret anything.. not even you. not even us no us. and except for the reasons you've never heard or tried to hear, i'll never regret ever being with you either.
but please know that it wasn't nothing, and no one fell out of love.

it was just 2 people finding each other at the wrong time.

it was never simple. and it never was JUST about you and i.


understand this: i needed to die too.

but i loveD you, and we knew it. but as far as trials go, it was the biggest pink elephant we could've ever dreamt of fighting. it was sadness and happiness, guilt, resentment, love and an overwhelming shock of self-hate that we tried to fight. and i.... didn't try hard enough.

i pushed you too far away for you to be able to have seen it, but i did. i died. and you died. and now i'm trying to understand that everything we could have been died slowly after that.

but it was SOMETHING to me. i never felt more alive then than when i had you telling me that we would work through it together. do you still remember? all those nights crying over the phone... i never thanked you enough for making me feel like i could be okay again. like there's a point to all the pain. i'm sorry i needed to find it out for myself. but, thanks.

and now, three months too soon, too late, i'm finally okay, and i never feel more alive than when you have me in your arms for the few minutes that we still make-believe. you make me feel like it's okay to be okay again. like there's a point to all the pain. only now, i'm sorry that now, you have to find it out for yourself. but, thanks.

we're okay. you. and i. at least, i hope that you are.
and we'll okay, you & i. not quite just yet. but together or apart... someday, we will be.;)

like the song you always say you sing for me:

,,,,,di kita iiwanan...pangakong di pababayaan....ako'y nanjan lamang,nakabalot....sa isip mo.....

ooopppsss...you did it again!!!

And the award for the best liar goes to…



You did it again.


Pretending to be so naïve and innocent. You couldn’t fool me but you sure did fool a lot of people with your naivety and false sincerity. A trash no matter how nicely you wrap it - is still a trash. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. The truth will always prevail.


You don’t get to make decisions involving other people’s lives. You shouldn’t meddle with other’s businesses especially if it doesn’t concern you and most especially, you shouldn’t be spreading rumors without any factual basis, NO, I take that back…you shouldn’t be spreading rumors. Period.


And as my wise gay friend would always say…

“Jijierang Penguin ka!”

(Translation: you lying, filthy, meddling, scheming a-hole)

- And all the ruthless words you can find in the dictionary


I’m not posting this to be mean because my blog is all about...random things.. He has tested my patience time and time again. I’m posting this as part of my healing process, letting go of all my anger and bitterness towards him. I still have faith and I am hoping that he will soon realize that the words he says and his actions always have repercussions and that he should be careful with the things he says and does. He has to realize that what he did was wrong and totally unacceptable.



My goodness, gracious grace…it’s horrible + terrible + unbelievable

(As Mary likes to say it).


For now I can’t say I like him, though I have compassion…but I do thank him…if not for him rumors and bad attitude…I wouldn't be as stronger now as before( yes, parang kanta lang...) and wouldn’t have the blessings I am enjoying right now. So thank you…

How about a round of applause?

A standing ovation.

That was quite a show.

very entertaining,

but it’s over now..

Go on and

Take a Bow.

dear anne curtis....

kahit na buwisit na buwisit ako sa'yo noong love-team pa kayo ni chubi del rosario at noong pangit at mukhang sinadya ang tagalog mong may maarteng aussie accent, natutuwa ako na nagka-award ka. sa 10 or 11 years mo sa showbiz, ngayon e di ka na artista lang na basta-basta. sa totoo lang, di ko pa napapanood ang baler di naman kasi ako natutuwa dahil marunong ka nang um-acting. natutuwa lang ako dahil pagkatapos kang mawalan ng kapatid at iwan ni sam milby e mahaba na naman ang buhok mo. tinalbugan mo na si bea alonzo at naloloka ang mga fans mo. kahit ako, naloka. gusto na nga kitang sabunutan sa haba ng hair mo kaso masyadong makintab dahil sa head n shoulders. shet. nangangarap na tuloy akong manalo sa raffle ng 1 milyon o kaya brand new, makinang, at kumikintab na car. ang galing -galing ng tadhana.

sana gumaling pa ang pagtatagalog mo para yung mga serious roles mo e di lang pa-english-english parati kagaya ng sa maging sino ka man. sana rin e balikan ka na ni sam milby para mas lalong mahaba ang hair mo at kinikilig-kilig ka naman. at sabi nga nung sa nabasa ko na sabi niya e kagaya raw sa tipikal na showbiz: MORE POWER TO YOU!



*salamat pala sa youtube at napanood ko ang acceptance speech mo..mabuhay ka pinay!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Showbiz update (how Sam Milby made my monday...salamat ulet sa youtube dahel napanood ko ang a million years ago na episode ng the buzz):
Tanong ni Boy Abunda: May balak ka bang balikan si Anne Curtis?
Papa Sam: I do. I do.
Aaaaaaack! Sabi ko sa inyo e. Tagumpay talaga ng love life ko ang tagumpay nila. Oh well, wish ko lang di yun fabricated....

senyorita materyosa!

malakas ang ulan at nakakatamad lumabas. pero walang nakapigil sa'kin pumunta ng mall. naisipan ko kasi bumili ng sapatos.

at ang sapatos, nadagdagan ng bagong kamisetang damit, Mac na make-up, at kung anik-anik. bitin sa totoo lang pero masayang masaya ako. at sa sobrang saya ko, biglang sumagi sa isip ko na nagiging materyosa na ako.

simula ng nagkatrabaho ako lahat ng bagay nagkakaroon ng added value. kapag tinatamad akong maglakad o kaya nagmamadali - taxi (matagal kasi mag-antay ng bus...lalo na ng mrt!). dagdag na bayad lang para makabili ng ginhawa at oras. kapag walang mapuntahan kapag may hinihintay - coffee shop. dagdag na bayad lang para makabili ng espasyong malamig at mauupuan na "disente". kapag na-tamad magluto paguwi sa umaga at di na makapag-almusal sa bahay - mcbreakfast. dagdag na gastos lang para makabili ng kaunting tulog. nalungkot ako kasi di ako pinayagan sumama sa camping trip kaya "kinailangan" ko bumili ng sapatos. dagdag na gastos lang, masaya na naman ako.

lahat na lang biglang nagkaroon ng bayad. parating may kapalit, parating may susukatin.

buti na lang may free Mocha latte sa McDonalds twing Lunes...

Buti na lang may free breakfast ang Starbucks ebridei...un nga lang, kelangan mo suungin ang pila...

Nilulubos ko lang ang mga araw ko...kapag wala na trabaho, malamang mas kuripot pa ako ke ..(hehe, peace!!)

pero promise ko sa sarili ko, mag-iipon ako para sa mega-bling bling headband ni anne curtis.

HOMESICK!

i never get used to this....huhuhuhu

gusto ko ng umuwi ng pampanga....bisa ku ng mangan kare-kare ampong sisig!!!!

epiphany

Current mood: rejuvenated

i believe that my life's gonna see the love i give, returned to me.

And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite...

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, this wonderous place we call earth really IS crazy? or lets say YOUR world revolves around you. then suddenly someone comes along and completely revolutionizes how you think, the air you breathe, and your overall demeanor. then there is that person that makes you fall into a bottomless pit of stupidity while you smile in ignorant bliss. but oh no lastly you have that one creature. that ONE person for whom you'd take any amount of torture. no matter how excrutiating. but is it worth it? is this person REALLY worth you crawling on your knees and hands through jagged rocks? that really is a hard one but there is a simple way to answer it. just ask yourself if you honestly think that person would do the same for you. and better yet if you see them do that for you then you noe they care.....don't be masochists...no matter how much you love a person, they may not be worth it. so do not stay in this draining relationship that will lead you to the middle of nowhere.

i got my angel now :p

Current mood: enlightened

I have learned so much about life in the past few months, and changed greatly as a person. I don't like the person I used to be, with all of the partying and clubs. It's just not fun anymore. I started to realize all of this around April2009 when I started talking to this super wonderful guy.. I'm not going to say who he is, for personal reasons, but I bet anyone who knows me could make a good guess. He made me realize so much about myself and about other people.

Before I started talking to him I made terrible decisions in my life, especially when it came to guys. I let guys walk all over me and treat me like crap, because I was too nice. I thought that I would hurt their feelings by breaking things off or whatever, so I just let things build up. I mean, it's definitely not a bad thing to care about the way other people feel and to realize that your actions may hurt someone... but there is a point where it becomes too much. The point where you're so built up inside from caring more about everyone else than yourself... sometimes you need to be a little selfish. This amazing guy taught me that I don't need to be around these people that are such bad influences on me.

People who I have known for years that have said or done things that bothered me aren't really in my life much anymore. It's not right for me to be around people who do things that I don't approve of, or that I feel goes against my morals. In the past few months I have closed contact with multiple people who were close to me. Most of them were really close friends, but it was something that I had to do for myself. I can't sit around and pretend that I'm happy when inside I'm really not.

I found that I used to lie a lot, because if I told the truth about the way I feel it hurts someone else. But the thing about that is that you can't be mad about how someone feels... No one gets to control your emotions or feelings. You are the only person who gets to control that. I was so unhappy for the longest time; I went through so much crap from january 2009 until about March 2009 that most people don't even know about. I'm not going to explain what happened to me, because it's too personal for just anyone to know.

Changing my inputs and the bad influences in my life has changed my life dramatically. For me, I didn't need drugs or counseling to fix my life, I just needed a friend who would listen to me and give me great advice! He repeatedly told me to "make a plan, write it out, and BOLDLY execute it." And that is what I do now. You can't go into something life-changing just winging it. Writing it down makes you more organized… you can't get lost in what you are thinking and forget what you need to say because it's on paper.

I still have people in my life that I don't think are great influences on me, and I don't exactly approve of how they handle things… but sometimes that is just something I will have to deal with. I'm extremely mature for my age, so it's hard for me to have any friends that I get along with 100 percent. For now I'll just have to deal with a little bit of immaturity until my friends realize they need to grow up. I understand that is going to take a while, but maybe if they read this they will get it. Just because I have been friends with these people for a long time, doesn't mean that the friendship can't ever end. Friendships that are meant to be forever, though, really are forever and nothing can change that.The kind of friendship I want with more people is mature when we need to be, but we can still go have fun.

Everyone needs to be treated like they are someone special… because they are. I don't care what people think of me or my beliefs now because if you have an issue with it, then I don't need you in my life. I am happier than I have ever been right now, and the only way to keep it like that is to believe the things I do.. same person is helping me get through all of it as gracefully as possible though, and I am so happy for that. This guy is the best friend that I could ever have; I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life.

If anyone would like to talk to me about this blog at all, feel free to message me. I know some of you will be wondering who all of the people are I am talking about, and if you ask me I will tell the complete truth.

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

havent you heard that im gonna be ok? hahaha

How can one get over something if that person only suppressed the hurt?

Getting over the hurt does not stop by suppressing it.

Suppression does not make wounds heal faster, unless you plan to be a hermit for the rest of your life.

Learning that not only one person betrayed you surely does bring memories of the past.

If you learned a person replaced you for someone who does not even measure to what and who you are, should you laugh because that replacement is no one, or should you be sad because there might be something in that person that you don’t have and only that person can give it to the traitor? Nevertheless, love is not about what one can and can’t give, because the mere essence of love is to fill in the weakness of the other.

Could this be a conclusion then that the love for the other person is not that genuine enough for one not to resist temptation? Yes, we are but humans who make mistakes, but where is your heart when in the middle of a partner’s crisis and weakness, you submitted yourself in the arms of another? May these words reflect back to you “Have I been that bad?” These same words I ask you, have I been that bad? Is the love I gave not enough?

Do regret, remorse and repentance (if ever these three words have different meanings) mean that the “unfaithfulness issue” is over? How can one tell that person to move on when mere questions about the things to come irks him/her? Sometimes, one has to be careful with the choice of words because you cannot impose on someone to let go and move on if it shows that it is you who haven’t moved on.



So many questions left unanswered

So many words left unspoken

So many feelings left unexpressed

So many people hurt

So many lives wrecked and wasted

Who cares????

Happiness is a choice

I may be happy by choosing to become miserable

I may be happy by choosing to accept my mistake

I may be happy if I choose to move on and leave the past behind

I AM HAPPY FOR EVEN IF THERE WOULD BE A

LOT

OF BAD THINGS IM GONNA GO THROUGH,

I’M SOMEWHAT FREE FROM THE OPPRESSIVE BONDAGE OF PRETENTIOUS AND FALSE LOVE

I AM HAPPY COZ I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU EVEN IF MY HEART HAS LONG BEEN DEAD



To you who understand these….

Never impose to reconsider decisions already made when you knew for a fact that someone was being betrayed all along… Advising someone to stop the wrong doing of your friend does not absolve him from the fact that you hid something… and that something is the “TRUTH.” Being neutral does not exempt you from hurting someone….

YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL AND EVEN ADVISE SOMEONE TO THINK TWICE WHEN ALL ALONG YOU WERE AN ACCOMPLICE TO A CRIME!!!

However pathetic such writing might be, it does not mean that I am out for revenge… I would only like to impart that in the middle of this crisis, something good is going to happen. Life is beautiful. I may have stumbled but with the help of those who love me, I will get through this….



it takes one second to realize you love someone

it takes a lifetime to forget the hurt that loved one caused you

it takes many deeds to fall in love with someone

it takes one mistake to hate that someone

it takes many lies to protect someone

it takes one truth to harm them

BUT ABOVE ALL, ANOTHER WOMAN WOULD BE ALL THAT I NEED NOT TO FORGIVE SOMEONE

so yesterday by hilary duff



You can change your life - if you wanna
You can change your clothes - if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that's the way it goes

But I'm gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat - cause I wanna
They look good on me
You're never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus:]
If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

You can say you're bored - if you wanna
You can act real tough - if you wanna
You can say you're torn
But I've heard enough

Thank you... you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus]

If you're over me, I'm already over you
If it's all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I'm a step ahead
If you're moving on, I'm already gone
If the light is off then it isn't on
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

goodbye dtv

"Thank you for calling Direct Tv, my name's GAil. Could I pls have your phone number starting with the area code..." Friday night was my last day(04/24),as we will be training to insular for 2weeks to transition in another account and will be moving to g5.. I just want to say thank you to everyone who have made my stay in this account both colourful and unpredictable... I have encountered the most dynamic group of people I could ever hope to meet...I write this with a heavy heart as being here for two years and three months has found me a sense of belongingness. However, in those two years, the experience wasn't with torment and frustration... I've been proud to be a member of the Direct Tv family in Convergys. It will always be a part of me...but sadly, as they say...everything comes to an end...

to wave24....my first ever friends in makati...i remember those times when we use to be the pasaway of insullar...hehehehe those times when portia always punish us bec we are always cought in speaking tagalog where in fact it suppose to be pure eop...i remember those times when we strive hard to pass our final exam sa cct..the early meetings at jollibee..hehehehe i remember the feeling when after transition,we finally knew we will be going to different teams...


to indianapolis colts...my first ever team in directv...tl yvette...i remember those times when we use to struggle to get high scores...those personal fights within the team...those iyakan and inisan...healthy competition for stats..it was painful when we parted ways bec we have been so close with each other within the team...but we need to move on..


to chicago bears....my beloved team mates....the laughter and the dramas..chatroom kalokohans...the warm memories...for more than a year these pipz are the once that i consider as my family..pipz i consider friends for a lifetime...my ever so love tl ian...thank you for being so patient...Thanks for believing in me and doing what you could till the very end. I've always been appreciative of what you've done for me and the team. I really do hope I still made you proud...

The road is still long, but I'll never cease

to look back with a smile. As I close this chapter in my so called life, I'll just say... farewell for now, because

goodbye seems so final. God bless you all.

this is Gail of directv......signing off............................

simple tragedies

Current mood: determined

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "There are two great tagedies in life. One is to loose your hearts desire. The other is to gain it."

Obviously Shaw had his heart broken once or twice. When tragedies happen, what are you going to do? Give up? Quit? No. When your heart breaks you got to fight like hell to make sure youre still alive, cause you are, and the pain you feel. Thats life. That confusion and fear is there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. That something is worth fighting for.