not everything's about you dear.....

i'm okay.
i lay back on my room and i'm holding a cup of mint tea in my hand. i play love songs little bit because on rainy days like this, it just feels right to have a lovesongs playing soft tunes somewhere, and i stare at the window, rain dropping fiercely onto the ground.....
people have asked me time and time again, "oks ka lang ba?" and i've always said, "yeah, ako pa."

and you know what the funniest thing is? I am.

you'd think that i wouldn't be, but i am. it's so funny, but it's just not that head-spinning, prozac nation-love you see on TV... the world makes sense without you. and since you won't let it make sense with you, then i'm forced to admit that i am happy with how it makes sense now.not happy...but ecstatic,excited,whatever happy words there are in the dictionary..

i have a wonderful job for almost 3 years now, i have amazing friends whom i've known for 27 years, i have a family whose eccentricities i could never do without, i love spoiling my nephew, i've set straight my plans for the future, i have a bright tomorrow that i'll be looking forward to and i'm happy, i'm healthy and i'm well.
I'M OKAY.

Regret isn't really big with me, and i don't regret anything.. not even you. not even us no us. and except for the reasons you've never heard or tried to hear, i'll never regret ever being with you either.
but please know that it wasn't nothing, and no one fell out of love.

it was just 2 people finding each other at the wrong time.

it was never simple. and it never was JUST about you and i.


understand this: i needed to die too.

but i loveD you, and we knew it. but as far as trials go, it was the biggest pink elephant we could've ever dreamt of fighting. it was sadness and happiness, guilt, resentment, love and an overwhelming shock of self-hate that we tried to fight. and i.... didn't try hard enough.

i pushed you too far away for you to be able to have seen it, but i did. i died. and you died. and now i'm trying to understand that everything we could have been died slowly after that.

but it was SOMETHING to me. i never felt more alive then than when i had you telling me that we would work through it together. do you still remember? all those nights crying over the phone... i never thanked you enough for making me feel like i could be okay again. like there's a point to all the pain. i'm sorry i needed to find it out for myself. but, thanks.

and now, three months too soon, too late, i'm finally okay, and i never feel more alive than when you have me in your arms for the few minutes that we still make-believe. you make me feel like it's okay to be okay again. like there's a point to all the pain. only now, i'm sorry that now, you have to find it out for yourself. but, thanks.

we're okay. you. and i. at least, i hope that you are.
and we'll okay, you & i. not quite just yet. but together or apart... someday, we will be.;)

like the song you always say you sing for me:

,,,,,di kita iiwanan...pangakong di pababayaan....ako'y nanjan lamang,nakabalot....sa isip mo.....

ooopppsss...you did it again!!!

And the award for the best liar goes to…



You did it again.


Pretending to be so naïve and innocent. You couldn’t fool me but you sure did fool a lot of people with your naivety and false sincerity. A trash no matter how nicely you wrap it - is still a trash. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. The truth will always prevail.


You don’t get to make decisions involving other people’s lives. You shouldn’t meddle with other’s businesses especially if it doesn’t concern you and most especially, you shouldn’t be spreading rumors without any factual basis, NO, I take that back…you shouldn’t be spreading rumors. Period.


And as my wise gay friend would always say…

“Jijierang Penguin ka!”

(Translation: you lying, filthy, meddling, scheming a-hole)

- And all the ruthless words you can find in the dictionary


I’m not posting this to be mean because my blog is all about...random things.. He has tested my patience time and time again. I’m posting this as part of my healing process, letting go of all my anger and bitterness towards him. I still have faith and I am hoping that he will soon realize that the words he says and his actions always have repercussions and that he should be careful with the things he says and does. He has to realize that what he did was wrong and totally unacceptable.



My goodness, gracious grace…it’s horrible + terrible + unbelievable

(As Mary likes to say it).


For now I can’t say I like him, though I have compassion…but I do thank him…if not for him rumors and bad attitude…I wouldn't be as stronger now as before( yes, parang kanta lang...) and wouldn’t have the blessings I am enjoying right now. So thank you…

How about a round of applause?

A standing ovation.

That was quite a show.

very entertaining,

but it’s over now..

Go on and

Take a Bow.

dear anne curtis....

kahit na buwisit na buwisit ako sa'yo noong love-team pa kayo ni chubi del rosario at noong pangit at mukhang sinadya ang tagalog mong may maarteng aussie accent, natutuwa ako na nagka-award ka. sa 10 or 11 years mo sa showbiz, ngayon e di ka na artista lang na basta-basta. sa totoo lang, di ko pa napapanood ang baler di naman kasi ako natutuwa dahil marunong ka nang um-acting. natutuwa lang ako dahil pagkatapos kang mawalan ng kapatid at iwan ni sam milby e mahaba na naman ang buhok mo. tinalbugan mo na si bea alonzo at naloloka ang mga fans mo. kahit ako, naloka. gusto na nga kitang sabunutan sa haba ng hair mo kaso masyadong makintab dahil sa head n shoulders. shet. nangangarap na tuloy akong manalo sa raffle ng 1 milyon o kaya brand new, makinang, at kumikintab na car. ang galing -galing ng tadhana.

sana gumaling pa ang pagtatagalog mo para yung mga serious roles mo e di lang pa-english-english parati kagaya ng sa maging sino ka man. sana rin e balikan ka na ni sam milby para mas lalong mahaba ang hair mo at kinikilig-kilig ka naman. at sabi nga nung sa nabasa ko na sabi niya e kagaya raw sa tipikal na showbiz: MORE POWER TO YOU!



*salamat pala sa youtube at napanood ko ang acceptance speech mo..mabuhay ka pinay!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Showbiz update (how Sam Milby made my monday...salamat ulet sa youtube dahel napanood ko ang a million years ago na episode ng the buzz):
Tanong ni Boy Abunda: May balak ka bang balikan si Anne Curtis?
Papa Sam: I do. I do.
Aaaaaaack! Sabi ko sa inyo e. Tagumpay talaga ng love life ko ang tagumpay nila. Oh well, wish ko lang di yun fabricated....

senyorita materyosa!

malakas ang ulan at nakakatamad lumabas. pero walang nakapigil sa'kin pumunta ng mall. naisipan ko kasi bumili ng sapatos.

at ang sapatos, nadagdagan ng bagong kamisetang damit, Mac na make-up, at kung anik-anik. bitin sa totoo lang pero masayang masaya ako. at sa sobrang saya ko, biglang sumagi sa isip ko na nagiging materyosa na ako.

simula ng nagkatrabaho ako lahat ng bagay nagkakaroon ng added value. kapag tinatamad akong maglakad o kaya nagmamadali - taxi (matagal kasi mag-antay ng bus...lalo na ng mrt!). dagdag na bayad lang para makabili ng ginhawa at oras. kapag walang mapuntahan kapag may hinihintay - coffee shop. dagdag na bayad lang para makabili ng espasyong malamig at mauupuan na "disente". kapag na-tamad magluto paguwi sa umaga at di na makapag-almusal sa bahay - mcbreakfast. dagdag na gastos lang para makabili ng kaunting tulog. nalungkot ako kasi di ako pinayagan sumama sa camping trip kaya "kinailangan" ko bumili ng sapatos. dagdag na gastos lang, masaya na naman ako.

lahat na lang biglang nagkaroon ng bayad. parating may kapalit, parating may susukatin.

buti na lang may free Mocha latte sa McDonalds twing Lunes...

Buti na lang may free breakfast ang Starbucks ebridei...un nga lang, kelangan mo suungin ang pila...

Nilulubos ko lang ang mga araw ko...kapag wala na trabaho, malamang mas kuripot pa ako ke ..(hehe, peace!!)

pero promise ko sa sarili ko, mag-iipon ako para sa mega-bling bling headband ni anne curtis.

HOMESICK!

i never get used to this....huhuhuhu

gusto ko ng umuwi ng pampanga....bisa ku ng mangan kare-kare ampong sisig!!!!

epiphany

Current mood: rejuvenated

i believe that my life's gonna see the love i give, returned to me.

And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite...

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, this wonderous place we call earth really IS crazy? or lets say YOUR world revolves around you. then suddenly someone comes along and completely revolutionizes how you think, the air you breathe, and your overall demeanor. then there is that person that makes you fall into a bottomless pit of stupidity while you smile in ignorant bliss. but oh no lastly you have that one creature. that ONE person for whom you'd take any amount of torture. no matter how excrutiating. but is it worth it? is this person REALLY worth you crawling on your knees and hands through jagged rocks? that really is a hard one but there is a simple way to answer it. just ask yourself if you honestly think that person would do the same for you. and better yet if you see them do that for you then you noe they care.....don't be masochists...no matter how much you love a person, they may not be worth it. so do not stay in this draining relationship that will lead you to the middle of nowhere.

i got my angel now :p

Current mood: enlightened

I have learned so much about life in the past few months, and changed greatly as a person. I don't like the person I used to be, with all of the partying and clubs. It's just not fun anymore. I started to realize all of this around April2009 when I started talking to this super wonderful guy.. I'm not going to say who he is, for personal reasons, but I bet anyone who knows me could make a good guess. He made me realize so much about myself and about other people.

Before I started talking to him I made terrible decisions in my life, especially when it came to guys. I let guys walk all over me and treat me like crap, because I was too nice. I thought that I would hurt their feelings by breaking things off or whatever, so I just let things build up. I mean, it's definitely not a bad thing to care about the way other people feel and to realize that your actions may hurt someone... but there is a point where it becomes too much. The point where you're so built up inside from caring more about everyone else than yourself... sometimes you need to be a little selfish. This amazing guy taught me that I don't need to be around these people that are such bad influences on me.

People who I have known for years that have said or done things that bothered me aren't really in my life much anymore. It's not right for me to be around people who do things that I don't approve of, or that I feel goes against my morals. In the past few months I have closed contact with multiple people who were close to me. Most of them were really close friends, but it was something that I had to do for myself. I can't sit around and pretend that I'm happy when inside I'm really not.

I found that I used to lie a lot, because if I told the truth about the way I feel it hurts someone else. But the thing about that is that you can't be mad about how someone feels... No one gets to control your emotions or feelings. You are the only person who gets to control that. I was so unhappy for the longest time; I went through so much crap from january 2009 until about March 2009 that most people don't even know about. I'm not going to explain what happened to me, because it's too personal for just anyone to know.

Changing my inputs and the bad influences in my life has changed my life dramatically. For me, I didn't need drugs or counseling to fix my life, I just needed a friend who would listen to me and give me great advice! He repeatedly told me to "make a plan, write it out, and BOLDLY execute it." And that is what I do now. You can't go into something life-changing just winging it. Writing it down makes you more organized… you can't get lost in what you are thinking and forget what you need to say because it's on paper.

I still have people in my life that I don't think are great influences on me, and I don't exactly approve of how they handle things… but sometimes that is just something I will have to deal with. I'm extremely mature for my age, so it's hard for me to have any friends that I get along with 100 percent. For now I'll just have to deal with a little bit of immaturity until my friends realize they need to grow up. I understand that is going to take a while, but maybe if they read this they will get it. Just because I have been friends with these people for a long time, doesn't mean that the friendship can't ever end. Friendships that are meant to be forever, though, really are forever and nothing can change that.The kind of friendship I want with more people is mature when we need to be, but we can still go have fun.

Everyone needs to be treated like they are someone special… because they are. I don't care what people think of me or my beliefs now because if you have an issue with it, then I don't need you in my life. I am happier than I have ever been right now, and the only way to keep it like that is to believe the things I do.. same person is helping me get through all of it as gracefully as possible though, and I am so happy for that. This guy is the best friend that I could ever have; I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life.

If anyone would like to talk to me about this blog at all, feel free to message me. I know some of you will be wondering who all of the people are I am talking about, and if you ask me I will tell the complete truth.

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

havent you heard that im gonna be ok? hahaha

How can one get over something if that person only suppressed the hurt?

Getting over the hurt does not stop by suppressing it.

Suppression does not make wounds heal faster, unless you plan to be a hermit for the rest of your life.

Learning that not only one person betrayed you surely does bring memories of the past.

If you learned a person replaced you for someone who does not even measure to what and who you are, should you laugh because that replacement is no one, or should you be sad because there might be something in that person that you don’t have and only that person can give it to the traitor? Nevertheless, love is not about what one can and can’t give, because the mere essence of love is to fill in the weakness of the other.

Could this be a conclusion then that the love for the other person is not that genuine enough for one not to resist temptation? Yes, we are but humans who make mistakes, but where is your heart when in the middle of a partner’s crisis and weakness, you submitted yourself in the arms of another? May these words reflect back to you “Have I been that bad?” These same words I ask you, have I been that bad? Is the love I gave not enough?

Do regret, remorse and repentance (if ever these three words have different meanings) mean that the “unfaithfulness issue” is over? How can one tell that person to move on when mere questions about the things to come irks him/her? Sometimes, one has to be careful with the choice of words because you cannot impose on someone to let go and move on if it shows that it is you who haven’t moved on.



So many questions left unanswered

So many words left unspoken

So many feelings left unexpressed

So many people hurt

So many lives wrecked and wasted

Who cares????

Happiness is a choice

I may be happy by choosing to become miserable

I may be happy by choosing to accept my mistake

I may be happy if I choose to move on and leave the past behind

I AM HAPPY FOR EVEN IF THERE WOULD BE A

LOT

OF BAD THINGS IM GONNA GO THROUGH,

I’M SOMEWHAT FREE FROM THE OPPRESSIVE BONDAGE OF PRETENTIOUS AND FALSE LOVE

I AM HAPPY COZ I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU EVEN IF MY HEART HAS LONG BEEN DEAD



To you who understand these….

Never impose to reconsider decisions already made when you knew for a fact that someone was being betrayed all along… Advising someone to stop the wrong doing of your friend does not absolve him from the fact that you hid something… and that something is the “TRUTH.” Being neutral does not exempt you from hurting someone….

YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL AND EVEN ADVISE SOMEONE TO THINK TWICE WHEN ALL ALONG YOU WERE AN ACCOMPLICE TO A CRIME!!!

However pathetic such writing might be, it does not mean that I am out for revenge… I would only like to impart that in the middle of this crisis, something good is going to happen. Life is beautiful. I may have stumbled but with the help of those who love me, I will get through this….



it takes one second to realize you love someone

it takes a lifetime to forget the hurt that loved one caused you

it takes many deeds to fall in love with someone

it takes one mistake to hate that someone

it takes many lies to protect someone

it takes one truth to harm them

BUT ABOVE ALL, ANOTHER WOMAN WOULD BE ALL THAT I NEED NOT TO FORGIVE SOMEONE

so yesterday by hilary duff



You can change your life - if you wanna
You can change your clothes - if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that's the way it goes

But I'm gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat - cause I wanna
They look good on me
You're never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus:]
If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

You can say you're bored - if you wanna
You can act real tough - if you wanna
You can say you're torn
But I've heard enough

Thank you... you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

[Chorus]

If you're over me, I'm already over you
If it's all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I'm a step ahead
If you're moving on, I'm already gone
If the light is off then it isn't on
At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

goodbye dtv

"Thank you for calling Direct Tv, my name's GAil. Could I pls have your phone number starting with the area code..." Friday night was my last day(04/24),as we will be training to insular for 2weeks to transition in another account and will be moving to g5.. I just want to say thank you to everyone who have made my stay in this account both colourful and unpredictable... I have encountered the most dynamic group of people I could ever hope to meet...I write this with a heavy heart as being here for two years and three months has found me a sense of belongingness. However, in those two years, the experience wasn't with torment and frustration... I've been proud to be a member of the Direct Tv family in Convergys. It will always be a part of me...but sadly, as they say...everything comes to an end...

to wave24....my first ever friends in makati...i remember those times when we use to be the pasaway of insullar...hehehehe those times when portia always punish us bec we are always cought in speaking tagalog where in fact it suppose to be pure eop...i remember those times when we strive hard to pass our final exam sa cct..the early meetings at jollibee..hehehehe i remember the feeling when after transition,we finally knew we will be going to different teams...


to indianapolis colts...my first ever team in directv...tl yvette...i remember those times when we use to struggle to get high scores...those personal fights within the team...those iyakan and inisan...healthy competition for stats..it was painful when we parted ways bec we have been so close with each other within the team...but we need to move on..


to chicago bears....my beloved team mates....the laughter and the dramas..chatroom kalokohans...the warm memories...for more than a year these pipz are the once that i consider as my family..pipz i consider friends for a lifetime...my ever so love tl ian...thank you for being so patient...Thanks for believing in me and doing what you could till the very end. I've always been appreciative of what you've done for me and the team. I really do hope I still made you proud...

The road is still long, but I'll never cease

to look back with a smile. As I close this chapter in my so called life, I'll just say... farewell for now, because

goodbye seems so final. God bless you all.

this is Gail of directv......signing off............................

simple tragedies

Current mood: determined

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "There are two great tagedies in life. One is to loose your hearts desire. The other is to gain it."

Obviously Shaw had his heart broken once or twice. When tragedies happen, what are you going to do? Give up? Quit? No. When your heart breaks you got to fight like hell to make sure youre still alive, cause you are, and the pain you feel. Thats life. That confusion and fear is there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. That something is worth fighting for.

breaking up is hard to do....

Written on April 18, 2009 – 10:00 pm | by rassel

Current mood: disappointed

All this time I was wasting, hoping you would come around. I've been giving out chances every time, and all you do is let me down. It's taking me this long,but I figured you out. You're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around...
You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw. I don't wanna hurt anymore. You can tell me that you're sorry, but I don't believe you like I did before. You're not sorry...
Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know. I could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold. You got your share of secrets, and I'm tired of being last to know. Now you're asking me to listen cause it's worked each time before...
But you don't have to call anymore. You had me falling for you, and it never would've gone away. You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade...
So you don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone.

i said it before and ill say it again....final ending my sweetness....wake up call for me....i have fight and love you so much i think now its time to fight and love myself first......give me time to think, and i guess you need to think aswell....

mahal kita......ending.............................

i cried today.......

Written on April 22, 2009 – 12:34 pm | by rassel

It's hard letting go of things that meant so much...

I think about times in my life when everything was easy...when things weren't always perfect...but I looked forward to getting up each day to see the people I loved.

It's been 3 days since we lost contact and decided not to talk nor txt eachother...and I think about him everyday. Little reminders pass through my mind...old songs play on the radio...and every time hurts just as bad as the last. I just wish sometimes that I could have said goodbye...just had one more memory...one more laugh...one more hug...and I can't...

I miss you so much...I miss the friendship we shared...the good times we had...I wish we could go back....but i really cant...coz you wont let me :(

Miss you so much sweetness

mi vida

Written on April 10, 2009 – 6:02 am | by rassel

for those that are close..

My decisions are mine to make. No matter how much one person can tell me it’s wrong or selfish of me, i need to learn things on my own right now. I don’t want to hear anyone tell me how to run my life unless they are going thru what i am . If any one of you are wondering..YES im staying busy because if i dont, i will have a breakdown. What’s that saying: Laugh now, Cry later. i finally get that.

I know these times will make or break me, but let me be. be there for me when i need a friend and stay away when i want to let it all out. i love my friends and family for sticking around cuz i know how stubborn i am. let me be. when the timing is right, i’ll come back full force (even though some of you dont want that!) i just need to be ME for my reasons.

If you are close to me and you feel like i’ve ditched you..i havent. i just need to deal. i’ll be ok. please no sympathy! just time and understanding. im thug! haha.. i’ll make it through. love to you all that understand. it’s fuckn self-evaluation time biznatches! peace out!!…

ps: i do miss you though!

never look back again

never looking back again

i promised myself one thing…never to look back again. i have my family, my friends and GOD to help me along my little path. the past made me who i am now, my present will make me who i want to be in the future. what meant the most to me before are the hardest to overcome. i forgive but never forget.

final ending my sweetness….promise never to do the same mistakes again…..enough is enough………im going to make it right this time…….

team bears

Written on April 5, 2009 – 6:02 am | by rassel

april 1,2009 4am

biglaan…nagpaux6 si tl ian….wala kaming kaalam alam…eto na pala ang magiging pinakamalungkot na araw sa buhay ko….sabi niya wala ng bears..lahat di makapagsalita..lahat walang masabi….gusto naming umiyak pero para ano pa?? magkakahiwalay na nga kaming lahat…pano nga ba maguumpisa ulit?napunta ako sa grupong ito nuong october 2007…kala ko di ko sila makakasundo..pero kahit kailan di ko naramdamang iba ako…unti unti nagiging feel at home na ko…mahigit isang taon na din naman ako dito….tama nga si tl eto na yung comfort zone ko..bakit ba naman hindi eh walong oras sa isang araw,limang araw sa isang linggo,apat na linggo sa isang buwan,labindalawang buwan sa isang taon,sila lahat kamasa ko…mainis ka sa kausap mo,matuwa ka sa mga kano,bumagsak ka ng quality,pasado ka ng pose kahit ano ano pa…sila pa din yung nanjan sa tabi mo…lalong lalo na si tl….kasangga yan hanggang sa huli..ipaglalaban ka niyan hanggang kaya niya…pero siguro nga lahat ng magandang bagay may katapusan…di ko to naramdaman nung nabuwag yung unang grupo kung san ako nagmula…kasi naman ibang iba yung bears eh…parang sabi nga nila sa ingles, work and play at the same time…pero ngayon,di na nga namin alam pano na….ano na kaya yung susunod?? hanggang ngayon di pa din nagsisink in sa akin ang nangyayari…parang panaginip lang pero totoo…umaasa pa din ako..magkakasama pa din ang bears hanggang sa susunod na mundo…dun sa g5..sana nga…

tl—-wala ng kanta ni britney spears??huhuhu mamimiss kita sobra….di na ko nagbye syo nung thursday kasi baka magiyakan lang….magkikita pa din naman tayo sa g5 d ba??hihintayin mo kami?? sabi mo nga life is better if you get out of ur comfort zone…sana nga…….ill see u soon

just like your favorite song: Been a fool,I know,Didn’t expect this is how things would go,Maybe in time,you’ll change your mind,Now looking back i wish i could rewind….Because i can’t sleep til you’re next to me, No i can’t live without you no more, Oh i stay up til you’re next to me, Til this house feels like it did before….Feels like insomnia!

now i really know its not easy to say goodbye……

beynte syete

Written on March 27, 2009 – 7:02 pm | by rassel

self-DISPLACEMENT. giving birth to myself.after the golden birthday im not exactly sure how to feel or what to expect after it has pasted. ive honestly never been this focused and successful as i am now with my career and at the same time never been so confused and lost with myself. so dont expect anything from me because i am on a totally different planet then everyone else. i dont know what to ask for this yr. because what i truely want left me and will not return. and subjecting my wants and wishes to unnecessary items for substitution could not and would not fullfill or restore my life and heart fully back it happiness. i dont know what i want in life. i’ve displaced myself for so long i have no idea who and where i am anymore. twenty-seven years in the making means shit to me. i really want to find myself again and have my universe centered around me.

simple life. as much as i’m being oblivious to female hetero-ideologies, splurts of imagination rocks the mind and i cant help but lust over what i hope my simple life will be, one day. though i know im not ready to settle to just be settled and my heart needs to be refurbished from being damaged goods before processing the distance between presents and future. and the changes and shiftbacks i have awaiting in my future will only postpone theories from the practice. as much as my life is together, is as much as not knowing what i really want. confused diba?! that i am. and thats one thing i can commit and omit to.

strange encounters. finding myself in the oddest situations and wonder if things just fall into the places they’re suppose. like puzzle pieces but not really. tuesday. tuesdays use to be my favorite days when tuesdays were once choosedays.

“they say if we dont know nobody then we hardly know ourselves.”

this is us

Written on February 11, 2009 – 8:44 pm | by rassel

happy valentines sweetness…no matter how rocky road may be,always remember im here forever…stay strong, coz i will be for us…thanks for being so patient,i know im moody but ur always there ready to understand….tenchu

sad to say

Written on November 6, 2008 – 5:37 pm | by rassel

thank you for bringing me back for a temp. time, ive come to learn that life and death is a dividing point but never a justification. a lifetime of memories with you, now another lifetime without you. learning to live my life half empty but fully.

we’ve conquored this world in many ways together. for that i am thankful. mahalkita

ending………………………….

im urs

Written on August 22, 2008 – 7:39 pm | by rassel

love is not supposed to be complicated…it’s supposed to be the most natural thing in the world. When you love someone then your heart belongs to him and nothing else should matter. ..this songs for you…im urs my sweetness

just a few things

Written on August 15, 2008 – 6:32 pm | by rassel

i made the worst scrambled eggs in the history of the world on sunday morning…

i finally killed the mosquito that’s been buzzing around in our house the past couple of days. it was making me paranoid cause a couple days ago it bit me in the face twice while i was sleeping. tonight i killed it. i also made sure it was extra dead.

i can’t wait until i finish my 6th episode of sex and the city marathon

and finally

i still i still dont have a qa and pose for work yet.. that’s what work is all about!!scorecard=quarterly bonus!!! haha….

oh dear!!!

Written on August 15, 2008 – 5:50 pm | by rassel

Current mood: anxious

isn’t it funny how worrying gives way to a world all it’s own? i mean one minute you’re fine..and then something comes up and the more you don’t want to worry about it, the more you do..and the next thing you know you’re on the bed having convulsions. okay, maybe not convulsions, but spasms. okay, maybe not either of those. just pure worriness and headaches and insomnia. i’m rambling. about something, yet nothing at the same time. and on and on.

delightful

Written on May 26, 2008 – 8:44 pm | by rassel

actually i’m not sure if my inner-self is delightful. but as each day passes i am beginning to feel at semi-peace. trying to convince and convey myself that i am not and have not been on the same page as the rest of the world for i’ve been traveling on my own wave. which seems to be unbalanced, never fixed on an equilibrium, but has taken form of oscillation. either that or everything around me is fixed and i’m the indifferent one. have not felt my space of being in my element. not sure why i’ve lost recognition and having the sense of displacement at the moment. i guess i can try to be optimistic about things but my mind sometimes doesnt work that way. neither does my heart. i’m bitchy, simple yet very complex, sorry! i really want my heart and mind to be aligned with each other but its a hustle. i sometimes do not understand myself. anyhoos, had the opportunity of a lifetime to meet and reconnect with an old friend. how i miss those days of drunken bliss and "drink your damn problems away". times have changed. realized this day that my body doesnt have the audacity to intake as i use to. maybe being twenty-six and partying your life out when you were much younger takes its toll and everything is just played out. or we got to face the facts and say "we’re fuckn getting old. time to retire!" cheers, bitches. i’m overdue.

gravity

Written on March 17, 2008 – 6:55 pm | by rassel

I really like this song from the moment that I’ve heard it… It all explains what I really feel inside… sometimes I wanna quit… sometimes I wanna give up on you… but I just can’t…
One day I asked you this question…. “Why I can’t give up on you?? Why I’m always keep on coming back to you…???” Just this past few days I broke up with you again ‘coz it feels like I’m totally fed up… but before I hang up the phone…. I’ve heard myself saying those words all over again….

Then you proudly answered,

“It’s because with all those years that we’ve been together… I treated you so well that nobody has ever done it to you before… maybe I’m not as emotional and as vocal with my feelings for you but I’m sure you know that my love for you is real and up to now I’ve been doing a lot of things just to prove to you how much I care for you…”

song:GRAVITY by sara bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

Your keeping me down,
Your on to me, your on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes to long…

mah honey

Written on September 26, 2007 – 5:14 am | by rassel

it has been a long time since i have sit down and have written something…i just want to share a beautiful letter that was given to me by a special person whom i know will always be a part of my life…no matter what happens he will always have a special part in my heart…..thank you so much for comming into my life…

to sey,

I rarely get to write and i hope you understand..Since you have entered my life, I have never been the same.You have stolen my heart, altered my dreams and you have made my life so much more beautiful..I am so happy to have you as part of my life and hope that i bring you just the same. I know that your relationship and mine are rare, but no matter what, you are now and will always be a part of me. I am not a perfect boyfriend and nobody told me to be one and i can only hope that my relationship to you is one of the greatest things you will ever experience…I love you as if you are my own, you are as close to me as one of my oldest friends..I will always be here for you when you need me,whether in person or in spirit,until i can be around you permanently, to help you make decisions,oversee your values,manners,funny habits and witness all the crazy things you do and laugh at your mistakes with you..and at you!hahaha as well as be there for the memories and the first time things…you are a SUPERSTAR..you can be anything you want in this lifetime..i will see to it that you succeed, protect you from lifes ills,support you in your dreams, and be your man, a real friend and TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE should be…

I love you RASSEL——-honey

it really made me cry…remember this song hon?!

taking a big step

Written on July 11, 2007 – 4:01 pm | by rassel

As a child you say your first word, take your first steps, …. and it all begins. At that moment when your brain tells you that you have the ability to do something on your own YOU own every decision you make and become the one and only person that makes your world the way it is. Parents, teachers, tv, music, friends…. these will become the persuading factors in your life that will attempt to train you to develop into an individual that they believe the world will accept and respect… but really… we’ll make the final say in forming our image and character. 4 years from the legal age that society tells us is true adult hood, I’ve found a major dent in my ability to claim myself a grown adult. From education to career paths, friends to partners, money, investments….. I’ve made choices while failing to step back, take a moment, and THINK about things first. I’ve made my own bed and will humbly admit it hasn’t been a comfortable one. I’ve hurt just as many as i have helped… but what happened yesterday happened… and what I plan on doing tomorrow won’t happen til tomorrow… but its totally up to me to build from here and grow with experience. Trusting in the world to hold me up will always end up in disappointment. I must grow into a young woman worthy of the worlds trust. Damaged relationships will never be the same. First and last impressions can not be altered. It is here and now where I will START OVER and make my world into a place worth waking up to every morning. Healthy body, healthy mind and healthy heart. I’m tired of coming around full circle. I’m going in one direction and that’s up. Investing in my personal growth, valuable relationships, prosperous career, security and happiness.

i love my job

Written on June 27, 2007 – 3:39 pm | by rassel

commendation from one of our customers:

sel
she was very diligent and very kind…she assured me that everything on my account will go back to normal by august especially on my bills..shes very knowlegable and enjoyable to talk to..i wish all of your representative was as sweet as her…because of that, i know i will keep directv for long…

wow…thanks for that mam im so touch…your comment is so much appreciated…

call center

Written on March 20, 2007 – 4:03 pm | by rassel

midnite coffees,

bday pizzas,

accentuated english,

dashing clothes,

irate customers,

fm in cabs,

so much money,

so lil time,

late nite pahtees,

sunrise beer,

crush on coaches,

fight 4 appraisals,

die-hard friendships,

tears 4 luv,

nothin missin,

jst everythin.

people call it call centers….

we call it LIFE!!

this was a message sent to me by shen….so nice and touching…

getting older

Written on February 4, 2007 – 8:52 pm | by rassel

I woke up this morning feeling so uneasy…its already the 5^th day of feb….wizzzz its just a few weeks to go before my birthday…so that explains it, im going through this mid-twenty crisis right now…it has always been this way since January..i always feel so uneasy, undecided….there are lots of things that I wanted to do…lots things going on with my mind…but hell, i don’t even know what to do first…..

One of the mornings last week, I woke up and the first thought that crossed my mind was - ‘I’ll be 25. Wow!’ and then I started recollecting my conversations with a long time friend of mine many years ago about who I’d like to see on my deathbed. Of course, I had my parents, family members,nephew, cousins, relatives, friends in the list but seriously, I really don’t know what to think, or what I will think, when THE TIME comes. I know, for sure, I want to be in the purest form of existence. To be in ONENESS with LOVE. GOD resides in there. Now, I hope and pray, that wisdom beckons within my heart at every phase of my life. I know I cannot live without love - with or without the roses

what is it about love thats so scary?

Written on January 28, 2007 – 9:11 pm | by rassel

What is it about love that’s so scary? I believe it is the uncertainty of the destiny of those who fall. As people, we long for certainty and security. Two people can never be sure of where love will lead them. We can never know the depths of love we can explore. We can’t know love’s timing. We cannot pick and choose. Love just so happens to be a mysterious thing although we crave to be in it, to share it, to receive it. Its workings are unknown to man. And the heart…the heart is so complex. So baffling is love that one can fall deeply into it without remembrance of how or when they arrived there. I AM WHERE LOVE IS. And with all of the uncertainty and unsurely of love…one thing I am absolutely convinced of is this. I know that the possibilities of joyous explorations of the depths and dimensions of the love that we are engulfed in…are endless. Though we don’t know all that will take place in the days to come, we do know that today love is and today we are in love and we will make the most out of the day which we have been given to love one another. For the love of tomorrow is uncertain. But today…TODAY WE ARE WHERE LOVE IS..

a friend gave this letter to me…its so touching….i almost cry…

im yours by jason mraz

Well you done done me and you better felt it
I tried to be chill but you so hot that i melted
I fell right through the cracks and i’m tryin to get back
before the cool done run out i’ll be givin it my bestest
and nothin’s gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

i won’t hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you’re free
look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
listen to the music of the moment maybe seen with me
Ah, la peaceful melodie
It’s your god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved Loved

So, i won’t hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i’m sure
there’s no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i’m yours

*scat*

I’ve been spendin’ way too long checkin’ my tongue in the mirror
and bendin’ over backwards just to try to see it clearer
my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m a sayin’is there ain’t no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
it’s what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, i’m sure
(there’s no need to complicate
our time is short
it cannot wait (this is our fate), i’m yours 2x

no please don’t complicate, our time is short
this is our faith, im yours.
no please don’t hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, the sky is yours!)

well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you’re free
look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
i love one big family
it’s our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved
open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you’re free
look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
i love happy family
it’s our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved
listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
i love peaceful melodies
it’s our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved.

im a hater grrrrr

Written on January 18, 2007 – 8:49 pm | by rassel

& I cant help it..

..no I dont love you, & I dont plan on sugar-coating shit with you anytime soon either. I’d hate to step down to your level cause its pretty dumb, but you’ve done more than enough to lose my respect..completely ..&..I’m sure you know I make that clear to you. I really have no reason to write this blog up, cause I can say all of this right to your face..like I’ve done before..but I’d be wasting my time, like I honestly am, wasting my time here. But hey, if you can hide behind a screen and talk about how sad..hard..depressing..lonely..lovely..happy..great & amazing..your life is..w/ the bestest friends that you talk shit about & vice versa, then I..guess it’s allll gooooodd…Shit, I have no clue where this is going..just know that you got a lot of work to do if you reallllly want shit to fall back into place..right where you want it.
keep thinkin..what you wanna think as well..if it makes you feel better..=)

lossing grip by avril lavigne

Are you a ware of what
you make me feel,baby
Right now I mfeel invisible to you,
like I’m not real
Didn’t you feel me lock
my arms around you
Why’d you turn away
here’s what I have to say

BRIDGE
I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinning with a los stare
That’s when I decided

CHORUS
Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there,
when I was scared,
I was so alone
You need to listen
I’m startin’ to trip
I’m losin’ my grip
And I’m in this thing alone

Am I just some chick
You placed beside You
To take somebody’s place
When you turn around
can you recognize my face
You used to love me
you used to hug me
but that wasn’t the case
everything wasn’t ok…

BRIDGE

CHORUS

Crying out loud
I’m crying out loud
Crying out loud
I’m crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open your wide

untitled

Written on November 20, 2006 – 11:11 pm | by rassel

a few months ago, i lost the ability to feel,love,care and smile. God works in ways that i cannot unerstand but always appreciate. He has blessed me with family and friends that have seized to give up on me and have faithfully supported me throughout my hard times.. When special relationships falls apart, it leaves you empty and bitter against a world that just doesnt seem to sympathize with you. You go searching for temporary relief to coat the pain so you wont have to remember how weak youve become.. But i realize in the time of my weakness God has worke his miracles in my heart and mind.. Even for a moment someone has reminded me of the comfort i love and deserve and now i will strive to earn that feeling permanently. Sometimes people became a part of your life to help you learn something new, and once youve master it, they no longer need to be there.. Its unfortunate but i accept the loss knowing that i cant hold on to certain things or people if i plan on growing on my own. i just want to love and be loved…and i know i will be…by the right person at the right time… bye shikimaru himura….

someday by nina

Someday you?re gonna realize
One day you?ll see this though y eyes
By then I won?t even be there
I?ll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared
I know you don?t really see my worth
You think you?re the best guy on earth
Well I?ve got news for you
I know I?m not that strong
But it won?t take long
Won?t take long

Someday someone?s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone?s gonna take your place
One day I?ll forget about you
Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I?m down and I?m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won?t have to cry, sweet goodbye

bad day

Written on May 30, 2006 – 12:08 am | by rassel

Sometimes i need to stop and remind myself to breathe. I just realized that i’m not superwoman and that i can’t do everything all at once. I’ve forgotten to prioritze in life and have fallen behind on the important aspects in life and have failed to move forward. The past few weeks have been none stop. None stop delivering for un-necessary tasks. Life isn’t free and i’ve become so lazy that i’ve literally swept my money out the door with my irresponsible and careless nature. What happened to my motivation, to my desire to work hard and become someone successful. When did earning those few bucks working 8hours a day just to pay off the over priced phone bills and dining expenses become more important than preparing for a future career and one of the ultimate foundations for my future family. "I’ll do better next time" has become a common phrase spoken out of my mouth but never practiced by my actions in life. How well you did 5 years ago isn’t going to carry you through adulthood. Life doesn’t get easier and there isn’t any space for laziness. I need to renew my entire being so i may begin to live the life i once had set out for myself.

I wanna be the one that everyone wonders…. "what happened to her…." i wanna disappear to focus and the important things in life so i may resurface as the one who made something of herself. No one said that turning 24 was going to give you a break from life. I must hold myself accountable to making the necessary changes in life to pick myself up and press on.

BAD DAY…

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion’s gone away
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life’s been way off line
You’re falling to pieces everytime
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I’m not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You’ve seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

the song says it all…