On the verge of anger and depression there comes realization.
I never hated heights. But I did. Yeah, for less than 3 minutes I hated it and cursed it to death. It was an Owww-eeeemm-geee ride of my life. I hated heights but I conquered it. I faced the fear.
I have always been the NICEST-GIRL-IN-THE-WORLD. But for a while, I was not. Yeah, for almost 3 weeks, I became evil and hated people close to my heart. I uttered unexpected words because of angst. You can’t blame me; I was judged and blamed for something I did not do. And for these moments, I was full of pain. I even posted letter of rage that I cannot undo. I became wicked but I endured the pain. I let go and then back again, I’m the NICEST-GIRL-IN-THE-WORLD.
I have always been selfless. Selfless, to the extent that I always give more than what is asked for. I submit 100% of myself to everyone. But now, I want to be selfish. Selfish not greedy. Self – ish.. I want to love myself more so I can love others too. It will be tough but I know that to think of myself and my welfare first, I will be able to extend it to other people. It will be a long process.
I quoted from Father Jun’s homily: “Bitawan mo ang lahat ng sama ng loob dahil ang buhay ay dapat umuusad”. Sapul.
Why should I be bitter for what I am experiencing right now when in fact there are lots of people who are suffering more yet surviving?
I would like to mention, Francis Magalona’s happy battle. I was so inspired with his life and his battle. His strength to endure the emotional stress of having had all the treatment and also the pain of every shots of medicine, every chemotherapy, every bone marrow aspiration. It was a very well lived life. And though, he died of young age, his life and his music will always live on. And we will always remember his baby face as we listen to his recordings.
Tonight, I wish that this will be the last time I will be blogging because of the pain I had for the last few weeks. I am praying for those people to let go of everything that had happen and become what is used to be. Tonight, I wish nothing but serenity of my mind. Yesterday was done, today is more important and tomorrow is full of hope.
Like Father said, I want to exhale the hurting and inhale back the goodness.
Tomorrow, I will be wishing for strength. Strength to carry on and to face whatever challenges that will come my way. I will be stronger than I was before. For tomorrow as I wake up, I will rise and be better and not bitter for myself.
